Chuvaness... Chakaness... Eclavu...

Happy 1st Birthday, blog!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 00:10:00 +0000

photo credit: magicbeanbuyer

Thank you Ate Sienna for embracing my blog into the Pansitan.

Thank you J.D. for ratifying my blog into the Midnight Wanderers Society.

Thank you Jamie for allowing me to use your photo on such short notice.

Blogging has, to an exceeding degree, kept me sane through such a crazy year. I made quite a lot of acquaintances and in the process, a few friends. To everyone who's ever stopped by to read, drop, comment, or just hang, thank you. To every stranger or friend who has, in one way or another, connected with me, thank you. For every comment, encouraging or otherwise, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Cathartic

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 12:07:00 +0000

They say a leopard cannot change its spots. For a tiger, its stripes. Metaphoric expressions that simply state that we cannot change our basic nature.

I don't think so.

We go through many noticeable changes as we age. Some even claim that the human body regenerates itself over a period of seven years.

You can change the color of your hair, eyes, skin tone, even your cup size if you wanted to. It's that easy. But that's just the physical....

I've seen a lot of people change over time. I myself have. Some because of age. Others, money - the excess or the lack thereof. Same goes with knowledge or skill, ignorance or obliviousness. Or if you're lucky, wisdom.

Regardless, I believe that reality is essentially static. Belligerency between nations. Conflicts in governments. Upward spikes and crashes in stock markets. Rivalry in siblings. Everything changes.

As they say, just go with the flow.

To me, change is not a question of better or worse. It probably just is. Period.

Although I try to be optimistic, I know deep down I'm severely pessimistic. At my age and I wasn't, I'd be an idiot.

Pixelist: NYC

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:23:00 +0000

Buttered Up

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:55:00 +0000

I am such a sucker for compliments. Don't get me wrong, I'm bad at giving them and certainly worse when it comes to receiving them. But that doesn't stop me from gushing every time I do receive them.

To whoever wrote that review, thank you. You have no idea how flattered, humbled, and gratified I am right now. Your words made my day. Namaste!

The Arrow That Struck Home

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 14:08:00 +0000

I've been away for 4 and a half months today. Thing is, the longer I find myself away from home, the less I miss it.

Although life was so much easier in Manila, I don't miss it. In Manila, I was surrounded by people who cared about me and loved me. That, to me, has always been my safety net. Whenever I'd run out of gas, I could always call my Mom and in a few hours, my 70-liter tank would be filled. Whenever I needed someone to babysit, I could always call on either of my sisters to do it. Anytime I wanted something to eat, my Nanay Cora would prepare it for me. And there was wakeboarding, and parties, and malls, and.......

Losing that safety net has somewhat emancipated me. Of course there will always be down times when I'd miss that, but I'm learning to live with it.

Moving on is what I've learned to do when problems seem to pile up. Even when they seem to come in bunches, it's okay. You learn to deal with it evey single day. Besides, I wouldn't want to go through life with my eyes shut, or with a closed mind either.

Just the other day, Joel found 4 gray hairs on my head. If I were in Manila, I would've freaked out and headed straight to a salon. Now, I simply don't give a hoot. I have bigger and more important things to worry about.

Having said that, I feel so liberated. And yes, at home.......

From the DailyOM.

The process of evolution can require you to undergo transformations that uproot you. Moving from place to place can seem to literally divide you from the foundations you have come to depend on. Since your home is so intimately tied to the memories that define you, you may feel that you are losing a vital part of yourself when you leave behind your previous house, city, state, or country. And as it may take some time before you fashion new memories, you may feel homeless even after settling into your new abode. To carry your home with you, you need only become your own foundation. Doing so is merely a matter of staying grounded and centered, and recognizing that the pleasures you enjoyed in one place will still touch your heart in another if you allow them.

Your home can be any space or state of being that fulfills you, provided you are at peace with yourself and your surroundings. A person can feel like home to you, as can seasons and activities. If you feel disconnected from what you once thought of as home, your detachment may be a signal that you are ready to move one. Simply put, you will know you have found your home when both your physical environment and energetic surroundings are in harmony with the individual you are within.

Couldn't have said it better.......

Running On Empty

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 21:52:00 +0000

I've been blogging for about 10 and a half months now. I used to REALLY enjoy blogging. I rememeber even coming up with 3 posts in a day and still have enough energy in me to answer every single comment.

I started blogging for pesonal reasons, one of which was so I could give vent to my emotions, mostly angst. I used to think that venting in a blog is helpful. Now I know better. It's so much like saying something in anger. You can never take it back.

I used to get upset and defensive whenever I get mean, rude, and/or offensive comments especially by assholes who don't even have the courage to drop their own names. If you've been reading my blog, you'd know what I'm talking about.

After receiving a couple of nasty comments some months ago, I avoided answering comments altogether.

Don't get me wrong, I love receiving comments. I get a thrill knowing that someone I don't know on a personal level can relate to something I wrote about. That, I think, kept me going.

So I started to filter my posts, oftentimes steering from personal topics in fear of being accused a narcissist. I had to filter practically everything, sometimes leaving me with nothing to write about.

Having said all that, why on earth do I keep blogging?

Any writer writes in hope of having his work read. Much like how a singer would want his music played or heard. Or any single being wishing to reach out to someone. I don't think that's being narcissistic.

And knowing that if I focus too much on what other people say, what other people think, and what other people choose to believe about me - I will never be happy.

It's the invisible threads you weave around you and the wonderful people you meet along the way that make it worthwhile. Much more significant than any comment and way bigger than myself.

pied-à-terre

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:53:00 +0000

I fell in love with NYC on my first visit. The culture, the diversity, the accesibility. So when the chance came for us to get an apartment, we (me plus the 3 men in my life) seized the opportunity with arms wide open.

We landed an apartment on the 8th floor so you can just imagine the breathtaking view. Right outside is a view of the Manhattan and Brooklyn skyline.

And then reality sets in - the bills, maintenance issues, taxes, etc. Oh, and have I mentioned accessibility. Apparently, the holes and vents provide easy access for rats and the like. Bummer.......

So if the price of success is hard work, then the price of independence must be, well, very expensive. As Cesare Pavese once put it, 'every luxury must be paid for, and everything is a luxury, starting with being in the world'.

Don't get me wrong though, I still love it here. Living alone has proven itself to be a true test of self-determination, self-suffiency, and self-reliance - not just for me but for Joel and my kids esp.

So here's to our little pied-à-terre, which for now, I'll gladly call home.

Shaken and Stirred but not Beaten

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 21:54:00 +0000

Whoever started the phrase 'bored to death' and 'bored senseless' must be dead by now. And seriously, I'm starting to know the feeling.

My head is constantly spinning and I'm almost always nauseated. Somehow I feel my brain is about to atrophy. I'm bloated even though I'm aeons away from PMSing. Even my ovaries have gone on a major strike as I haven't had my period in nearly 5 weeks and I'm not even pregnant.

I lost ALL my files recently when my portable hard drive crashed. Imagine losing important data for work and copies/ scanned documents of me and my family plus about 80 GB worth of photos. Kaput. Just like that.

I feel so alone even when I'm not. I feel as though the bottom of my world is about to fall out. I feel as if all doors have been slammed on my face. I think I'm way past homesickness pero p***ng ina, inip na inip na 'ko!

I'm not even complaining. Because I know that's how life is. It hits you hard and it hits you fast. And I've gained and lost everything in my life twice over in the past and I'm not afraid to go through that again.

Going Lord Byron's way, 'The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.'

And I'd rather be dead than nonexistent.

My Old Man

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 21:43:00 +0000

Happy Father's Day to the 2 greatest and dearest men in my life.......

Then.......Now....... And always.......Happy Father's Day to all Dads out there :)

Doubting Thomas

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 11:38:00 +0000

I've been so friggin' down, depressed, and bored lately that last week I was contemplating on a) talking to a squirrel, b) jumping off a cliff, and c) gouging my eyes out.

I've read a lot of Poe and it left me even more dejected. I've solved more than 80% of all the sodoku puzzles in the DS' Brain Age yet I still feel as though my brain has atrophied. I called my Mom whom I haven't seen in nearly 3 months just to see how she's doing (she's just undergone appendectomy) and she ended up giving me a litany on (unfortunate) current events and versed my long list of lapses some 20 years ago so I hung up and felt even more dysphoric than I already was.

I just about hyperventilated so I started praying and ended up questioning my faith.

Don't get me wrong, I was born and raised Catholic. I attended Catholic school in elementary and an all-girls Catholic school in high school. My parents were never really religious though. There was even a time in my teenage life that I was a proud agnostic.

But it was in that disblief that I started searching. And I realized how beautiful religon is.

Although I am Catholic, I don't shun other religons. I don't subscribe to just one religon either.

I do attend Sunday mass because in doing so, I feel an immense amount of gratitude. I pray as much as I can not so much for salvation but because it brings me much tranquility and serenity. And I DO believe not because I can feel it in me. Knowing that I am not alone, I am one happy camper.

Ultimately, it's not so much about the gestures or mantras or what it signifies but what it does to me and how it makes me feel inside.

So here's to believing, disbelieving, searching, and the odd things in between. Because even in disbelief there is pursuit. And in searching, discovery.

Cure For Boredom

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Mon, 19 May 2008 23:11:00 +0000

Nipped from Posh Totty

1. Can you legally drink? Yes, but I don't.
2. Will you be married in the next 2 years? I already am and will probably still be in 2 years.

3. Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward? Depends.
4. What are your least favorite school subjects? None, I had of lot of undesirable teachers though.

5. Who was the last person you called? Joel.

6. Do you prefer to call or text? Call.
7. Do you have a pet? Yes.
8. What did you do today? A lot.
9. Do you like carrots? Sometimes.
10. When is the last time you saw your mom? 67 days ago.
11. Do you believe in karma? Yes.
12. Are you taller than 5'5"? Unfortunately, no.
13. How many city/towns have you lived in? 5
14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Shoes for the outdoors, socks indoors, and bare feet in bed.
15. Are you a social person? Nay.
16. What was the last thing you drank? Water.

17. What are your favorite colors? Black and white technically aren't colors so I'd say blue.
21. Do you like coffee? Yep.
22. Would you rather have money or love? Can't I choose both?

23. Have you ever sat on a roof? Affirmative.
24. What are you listening to? Nothing.
25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Yes, right side.
26. Do you know how to play poker? Yes.
27. What are you thinking about right now? An answer to this question.

28. Any plans for the weekend? I'll tell you next week.
29. What time do you get up in the morning? 4:30 A.M.

31. Do you eat ranch with your pizza? No.
32. Last person you IM'ed? My sister, Roselle.
33. Have you ever been in an ambulance? No.
34. Do you prefer an ocean or pool? Ocean.
35. What color shirt are you wearing? White.
36. Do you know how to drive a stick shift? Hell yeah!!!
37. What's bothering you right now? Can't tell.
38. Do you hold grudges? Unfortunately.
40. Who's myspace page did you visit last? I don't have a myspace account so none.

41. Are you a Lost fanatic? Yes.

43. Earphones or headphones? Earphones.

44. At this very moment what should you be doing? Something else.

45. Do you read novels often? Not as much as I used to.
46. What is the color of your bedroom walls? Eggshell.
47. Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth? Yes.
49. Are you mad about anything? Mad as in indignant, or mad as in gung ho?

50. Do you sing obnoxiously in the car? Only when I'm alone.
51. Last 2 people to call you? My sister-in-law and my paternal grandmother.

52. Have you ever thought you didn't like someone, and then found out that you really liked them? Yes, and I hate it when that happens.
54. How was this weekend? Saturnine.
55. Do/did you listen to your parents? When I was younger, never. Nowadays, I try.
56. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? Mine, nothing really. Joel's, I smashed to pieces a few years ago.
57. Is there anyone that doesn't like you because of something you did? Maybe.

58. Do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life? Not as much as your first heartbreak.
59. The phone rings. What is your ring tone? AT&T default ringtone.

60. Did you go anywhere yesterday? No.

61. Who was the last person you shared beds with? Joel.
62. Favorite drink? Coffee.

63. Does the person you like know that you like them? I hope so.

64. Where are you right now? In hiatus.
65. If you HAD to kiss the last person you kissed, would you? It was Joel, so I'd say yes.

66. Favorite gadget in the kitchen? Refrigerator.
67. Favorite pie? Banana Creme & Cheesecake.
68. How is your hair? Pinstraight and screaming, "Why the hell did you have to cut me short?!?!!"
69. Where's the last place you walked to? Just a few blocks away.
70. Last time you had a sleepover? 10 years ago.
71. Latest you stayed up in the past week? 1 A.M.
72. What are you doing, Aside from answering these questions? Rolling my eyeballs.
73. Have you been in a car accident? Many times, 2 of them serious.
74. What is the last thing you said aloud? Brush your teeth.

75. Who's the 1st person on your missed calls list? Joel.
76. What did the last text message you received say? I can't tell you. It's too personal.
77. Last time you went to church? Last week.
DESCRIBE YOUR:
78.Wallet? Black, simple, and brimming with receipts.
79.Eyes? Brown, dozy, and fatigued.
80.Life? Blue, shelved, and in waiting.

WHAT ARE YOU:
81.Doing this weekend to come? See # 28.

82.Wearing? White tank top, white sweater, light blue jammies and socks.

83.Wanting? To win the lottery.

84.Listening to? Does silence count?

85.What do you smell? Vicks.
86. Do you sleep naked? When I have to.
87. Do you like seafood? Yes.
88. Do you remember your dreams? Sometimes, but not too vividly though.
89. Do you consider yourself a study freak? Yes, unfortunately.
90. Do you speak another language other than English? Yes, in my native tongue. And oh, do Spanish curse words count?
91.What did you do last night? Slept, and with clothes on.
92. What do you hate? Rats, cockroaches, gaucheness.
93.Orange or apple juice? Orange juice.
94.Who were the last people you went out to lunch with? Can't remember.
95.Last thing you ate? Porkchops.

Missing

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:52:00 +0000

What I miss:
- Blogging!
- Wakeboarding
- Tripping
- Soliloquizing
- Ranting & Raving
- Bitching & Moaning
- Ogling at the latest goodies in Greenbelt 5
- itlog na pula at kamatis, tinapang isda, rellenong bangus, bicol express, kilawing talaba, suman, biko, halayang ube, Dolor's kakanin, Chowking halo-halo

What I don't:
- Politics
- Assholes

What I never thought I'd miss but I actually do (now):
- Traffic
- Texting
- Politics (maybe just a little)

Who I miss (terribly):
- My parents, esp. my mom
- My Nanay Cora
- My siblings, esp. Memai
- My friends, esp. Vince
- My baby girl, Sedira

*sigh*

Pixelist: I (Heart) New York, Part Two

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 23:29:00 +0000

Still no entry to go with this one, just a bunch of pics.......

The Empire State Building St. Patrick's Cathedral at Madison AvenueThe nave of the cathedralLV @ NYTrump Tower at 5th Avenue Glorious rose marled interior
Central Park
5th Avenue station*sigh* I heart NY.......

Pixelist: I (Heart) New York, Part One

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 15:55:00 +0000

After what seemed like an aeon of not posting anything, i.e. blogging hiatus, the chakaness is back. Well, sort of, as I still have no entry to post save for some recent pics and a few updates. I'm quite happy to say that I'm finally reunited with dear, dear hubby ;) At the cool Apple Store at West 14th Street

InsideMany thanks to lovely couple Raymund & Bambi, without whom we would've been utterly cluesless.

Midnight Wanderers

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 07:29:00 +0000

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Edgar Allan Poe

The Society of Midnight Wanderers

'It is for all the writers who go the extra mile on being creative, fret over their next post, spend the late hours or early morning hours thinking and writing down ideas, keep a notebook for those sudden flashes of inspiration AND place great emphasis on composition. It is simply a symbol from other writers (your peers) as recognition for your work. If you can write, if your passion is writing and you want to belong to an exclusive club you will be accepted. It’s not an award. It’s not money (unfortunately). It’s different. It’s a mark of respect.'

'Everyone will have the designation of Official Member. New members may suggest another blogger for membership; but in order to maintain the true spirit of The Midnight Wanderers, the founding members must review them for admission.
If someone is offered the badge and refuses to display it, that is their right; however, they will not be able to call themselves a member of the Midnight Wanderers. If they change their mind and want to join after a refusal, they can be inducted after writing an essay proving their value to the founding members. The essay’s length and subject matter is to be determined by the founding members, will be tailored to the abilities of the blogger in question, and will be posted on their blog for a three day period.
Membership of any new member may be revoked at any time by a consensus vote of the founding members for any conduct, which calls into suspicion their dedication the cause of the Midnight Wanderers, degrades the group, or demeans another member of the Midnight Wanderers, or if that member engages in hate speech demeaning another’s race, ethnicity, religion, or national origin.
All members of the Midnight Wanderers will exhibit high standards for writing, a dedication to their craft, and continue to promote the craft of the written word with their unique styles and literary voice. That is the mission of the Midnight Wanderers.'

Writing has always been my most favored pastime as far back as I can remember. Since journaling can elicit minimal (if not zero) interaction, much less critique, I started blogging some 6 months ago. Since then, I've refused to have my blog monetized for the simple reason that I love blogging so much that doing so would make me feel like an utter sellout.

It's the wonderful reviews and touching comments I receive that have managed to compensate my sleepless nights.

From Visitant - Part 2 (Syned: Shadow Interaction, Chapter 2, "Lycanthropic Daydreams, p.112)

"I stumbled onto Ivy’s site when I first started blogging and have been hooked since. There is something about her writing I find intellectual stimulating and addictive. To me she epitomizes class. Class in her writing, and her personality . . . . . . ."

From The Battle (Syned: The Antithetical Order of Knighthood, Chapter 1, "The Beginning", p. 01)

"Ivy, my dear Ivy. Class in the world of cutthroat blogs and readership. Ivy is my “haute couture”, the gauge of high fashion in which I aspire. The clean, crisp words that emanate from her site are truly inspiring and a excellent read. Her site always makes me smile. I consider her one of my dearest friends are truly deserving of this award."

This wonderful and exclusive accolade; however, is my most treasured plum so far.

As this exclusive and ritzy honor was bestowed upon me by my unofficial blogging benefactor J.D., I choose to entrust it back to him. I'm deeply humbled, exceedingly delighted, and extremely grateful.

Thanks again J.D. for being such an amazing friend, and bless you for the honor. Best wishes as well ;)

Random Thoughts From A-Z

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 09:10:00 +0000

In case you haven't noticed I've been away from blogosphere, or at least my own site for at least 3 weeks now. I've been asked by a friend recently if I had any plans of posting anything in the not too distant future and the answer, my dear, is absofuckinglutely! Writing has always been my most pleasurable hobby, and blogging, my most gratifying.

Due to my long (and unexpected) absence, I've been severely backlogged in my blog duties among them the traditional memes. Among those whom I owe is a dear blogger friend Leena.

I've decided to respond to her 26 things meme. However, instead of writing 26 things you probably didn't know about me, I've chosen to write about words that almost always leave me perplexed, more like my own version of wordplay if you will. Here it goes.......

A - ATTITUDE - years in your life VS. life in your years

B - BATTLES - big enough to matter VS. small enough to win

C - CHARACTER - doing things right VS. doing the right thing

D - DOUBT - the beginning of wisdom VS. the end of wisdom

E - EDUCATION - length VS. breadth

F - FORGIVENESS - forgiving oneself VS. forgiving others

G - GRACE - getting what we deserve VS. not getting what we do deserve

H - HOPE - wings VS. landing gear

I - IDLING - leisure VS. laziness

J - JUDGEMENT - decision VS. hesitation

K - KEEP - retain VS. prevent

L - LOVE - savoring its pleasures VS. anticipating its tragedies

M - MORTALITY - benediction VS. hex

N - NORMALCY - monotonous VS. piqued

O - OPPORTUNITY - was it lost? VS. was it taken by the other person?

P - POLITICS - people who do things VS. people who do nothing but take all the credit

Q -QUIET - tranquil VS. lifeless

R - REASONS - good sound reasons VS. reasons that sound good

S - SUCCESS - taking the elevator VS. taking the stairs

T - TIME - ally VS. enemy

U - UTOPIA - illusion VS. delusion

V - VISIONS - dreaming VS. believing

W - WAR - fighting VS. resisting

X - XENOPHOBIA - fear VS. hatred

Y - YOUTH - state of mind VS. state of age

Z - ZENITH - beginning of the end VS. end of the beginning

Your thoughts???

In turn I tag those whom I owe links as well namely J.D., Pusa, and Ramon.

A million thanks to my dear commenters as well; J.D. (I owe you a lot LOL), Annita (I still owe you that letter dear :), Liudmila, Canuck Chick, Buraot, Elay, Julie, and Chesca. Thank you guys :)

The L Word

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:18:00 +0000

Dang it!

I picked up Adverbs by Daniel Handler months ago not just because I'm a devoted Lemony Snicket fan but because I fell in love with the cover and because it said 'this novel is about love' at the back cover.

It's supposedly a compilation of 17 different short stories although I seriously think the characters and plots are loosely connected as the characters do reappear (or is it they have the same names? I don't think so, even when their gender changes every so often) and the plot, well, seemingly linked.

Being the hopeless romantic (or is it voracious reader) that I am, I tried finishing the book in one sitting. Well almost. Before I even got to the last 2 chapters/ stories, I misplaced the book. I nearly forgot about it until I chanced upon it 2 days ago sitting behind East of Eden.

So I reread the whole dang thing.

The funny thing is - after reading it, rereading it, and reading between the lines - I don't think I got it. I thought perhaps reading it was a waste of time.

Although Handler portrayed the many faces and facets of love, he did so with his usual deadpan humor, sarcastic dry wit, and uncanny wordplay.

For something that claims to be about love, I found it to be quite unsentimental. Complex. Challenging.

Sometimes tortured, at times tragic. Sometimes sad, at times humorous. Oftentimes angry and obsessive, sometimes twisted and depressing.

Or maybe that's how love is in the first place.

It's beyond definiton. It defies categorization. It demands way too much energy. And in the end, it doesn't add up to anything.

The only lines(s) from the book I did get reads: 'Love is this sudden crash in your path, quick and to the point, and nearly always it leaves someone slain on the green'.

To which I couldn't agree more because even to a simpleton such as myself, anything less than mad, crazy jealous, obsessive, passionate, all-consuming love is a waste of time.

Dang, am I lucky!

Recoup

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 23:30:00 +0000

I'm just beginning to get back on my feet. Losing 5 lbs. in 3 days was a wake-up call. It may not seem like much but on an already petite frame, believe me, that's excessive.

I'm through with denial and anguish. With prayers and a lot of support, I think I've managed to accept things as they are now. Of course, my boys have always been such an inspiration....... While I'm at it, I may as well thank all those, who have in more ways than one, helped us.

To Joel's high school buddies - Gerry, Allan, Paolo, Ricky, Lindley, Jing, Ducon, Pasky, Hector, Auwie, Malou, Anna, Shirley, Rowelyn, Myra, Aileen - for planning and executing the perfect surprise 'Bon Voyage' party for J, thank you. We appreciate the superb gesture, and how very thoughtful of you all to have given it........

To dear blogger friends - JD, Iron Pugilist, Liudmila, Frogster, Florence, Ate Beng - for the wonderful messages and the well wishes. And to Annita - bless you for your sweet e-card and for your affecting messages. I can sense the warmth and genuineness of your poignant words.......

To Ate Leni, Kuya Sam, Tim, Mommy Nita, Ate Baby, Ate Mel, Joseph R, Celina R, & Mike C - for helping us as we ease through this transition, thank you. No words can express our gratitude for all you've done. Namaste.......

J
I miss you greatly.
I can't wait for that day when I can steal that few moments with you again so we can escape to our own private world - where nothing exists but the two of us.
I love you overly much, you know very well how much I do.
I

Wandering Aimlessly

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 07:45:00 +0000

I missed the u-turn slot in Quezon Avenue.
I missed Gate 2 in Ateneo.
I missed the right turn going to Saint Claire and ended up in Marikina.
I almost forgot to pick up my son in pre-school.
I feel completely lost. Everything looks dreary.

I used to see the world with very dark lenses.

It was through his eyes that I saw vivid light and magnificent hues - that the world ain't so bad after all.

Without his lenses, I somewhat see that darkness again.

Vince: It's just like giving birth - no matter how many people you ask about it, no matter how many books you read on it - you'll never really know how it is unless you go through it yourself.
Ivy: I never thought it would be this hard.
Vince: Give yourself time to grieve but then again you need to be stronger for the kids and for him as well.
Ivy: It's hard trying to keep a straight face in front of them.
Vince: Think of it this way, at least you've taken the first step.
Ivy: I know, but it sure is the hardest.

I retract that statement - it's the long, bitterly cold nights I dread the most.

J
I miss you terribly, and if by chance you see a shooting star tonight - that would be me - blowing a massive kiss for you.......
I

Losing Grip

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 00:05:00 +0000

I thought 8 long months was enough to prepare me for this day - apparently not.

For almost a decade, we've never been apart longer than 48 hours. You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to know how long and grueling the next 2 and a half months would be to me.

I though the tear duct was somewhat like a well, that it would eventually dry up - apparently not.

After a week of crying, I find that my tear ducts and gland refuse to dry up. After a week of lacrimation, the tears can't seem to get drained off.

Being without him is like having a big lump on my soul. Everything looks dull. Every part of the house looks empty. Every part of my body feels numb. The air seems icy. And everything - yes, everything - tastes like paper.

It is said that no single pain killer works for everyone - well, except time. So until then, I'll be swimming in wretchedness for some time - say, the next 2 and a half months.

J
I miss all of you.
I miss your big brown eyes.
I miss your leg to ride against.
I am burning with longing to see you. Oh that I could.
Know that I think of you constantly, I miss you terribly, and I love you exceedingly.
I

Proverbial

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 05:12:00 +0000

(My PMS has broken into its more severe form, PMDD. Don't be surprised to find this long rant either deleted or drastically edited in the next few days - THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT)

Ask either of my parents how I was as a kid and they'd probably tell you I was(!) the female counterpart of Dennis the Menace (see, even my old photo shows that menacing grin lol). I got into a lot of catfights and fistfights, and yes I was very, very naughty. Let's see, I knocked off my sister Coco's tooth on two separate occasions (and was punished severely for both incidents), I smacked a classmate's head with a soda bottle when I was in 4th grade for he was constantly teasing and making fun of me (he was fine and I was penalized which I so rightfully deserved), I managed to wreck one of my parents' trucks by sneaking it without their consent and then driving it straight into a cliff (accidentally or course, I was 14 then and was unaware that driving a right-handed vehicle required a different set of driving skills) making the truck roll over 6 times, and oh and did I mention that I was with my brother who was then only 8? Thank God no one was hurt.

Being the troublemaker that I once was, I got punished and chastised quite often. I'm sure you get the picture.

My parents had very different views on discipline though. My Mom belonged to the 'lumuhod ka sa bigas' school of discipline where one is supposed to kneel on rice grains for hours on end with arms extended to one's sides with either 2 massive telephone directories or an encyclopedia on each hand. My Dad, on the other hand, belonged to the 'evangelize, moralize, sermonize' school of discipline. Up to this day, he'd probably bombard me with sermons if he recalls the number of times he was summoned to the Principal's office.

Among the most vivid sermons I remember (although back then I pretended not to listen) are the ones on accountability. Take for example the difference between asking for consent and stating plans.

Say there's a huge party I want to attend, I could either say - 'There's a party at whoever's house, can I go? Pretty please.' VS. 'I'm attending a party at whoever's house tonight so don't wait up.' Or - 'May I use the car tonight?' VS. 'I'm gonna use the car tonight.'.

The former is a question and the latter is a statement. The former shows respect for authority and the latter shows utter disregard for it.

But what if the damage has been done - say for example a huge dimple slightly bigger than a halved orange right above the car's front tire or perhaps a ginormous scratch on the side of the car extending from the second door all the way to the rear bumper - do I fess up immediately or do I wait for anybody to notice?

For obvious reasons, I'd go with the former. For one, I don't think anybody would be that stupid not to notice. Second, I'd rather he hear it straight from the horse's mouth than from another source. And lastly, well, I've found that the imposed castigation is worse with the latter.

I'm not proud of my mistakes but I do own up to them and I do make an effort to pay for them. At least that's what I was taught, but then again I can only speak for myself. So what the hell are you gonna do about THAT? Huh.........

Para Mi Bebe

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 02:29:00 +0000

Sedira turned 4 and a half just a few weeks ago. Since it is customary to treat people (she is my daughter so I might as well included her) on their birhtday, we wanted to subject her to a rite of transition. Since I have yet to find her a suitable mate and because I think she is still a wee bit young to be subjected to a rite of passage, i.e. mating (yeah right, most snakes reach sexual maturity by the time they're a year old), we opted to treat her instead. Joel got a huge glass aquarium which we renovated into a decent terrarium. Very purdy compared to her old plastic pen, don't you think?
Ain't she a sight to behold? Say yes or you're dead meat.......... Happy birthday Sedira!

Emotional Vampires

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 23:26:00 +0000

Just when you thought vampires only existed in fictitious narratives and horror flicks, think again.

I find that there are three kinds of complainers, whiners, grumblers and/or faultfinders in this world, or in mine at least.

There are those who complain because they're looking for a solution to their hornets' nest in the process. That to me, is perfectly fine.

There are those who grump about their dissatisfactions and resentments because they want to let it all out, more like a form of release. Which again is perfectly okay just as long as the griper doesn't do it often. While I'm at it, I may as well admit that I belong to this category.

There are those who consatantly whine simply to elicit sympathy or more likely, attention. In Filipino, I think the term for this is reklamador or most probably KSP. Among the three, I find the latter the most annoying kind. For one, they whine, complain, and grouch over the same old things but you'll be amazed that they do nothing to solve anything. They whine about the same things over and over and over again. Even when given expedient advice, solicited or otherwise, you'll find they have absolutely no intention of solving anything.

In your quest to become a good listener, you'll find yourself
(a) drained of every positive human emotion such as joy, happiness, and love;
(b) worn-out of virtues such as faith and hope; and
(c) with thoughts filled with doubt and negativity, sometimes leaving you in a state of coma.

Much like Dracula, they can pretty much suck the life out of you.

I used to be a magnet for the third kind but growing older (not necessarily wiser) I've managed to identify them. In the process, I've managed to sever ties, even those formed by blood.

Doing so is not without recoil though. Erstwhile friends think I'm a major bitch. But then again, I truly am and I make no apologies for that.

Estranged relatives think I'm an ingrate. Come to think of it, I owe them nothing and I really care not what they think of me.

My dear friend Vince used to tell me (but not anymore), 'Ivy, your biggest problems aren't even yours to begin with'. Truer words have never been spoken.

Now I'm left with my sanity and a handful of silver bullets for validation.

Blog Archiving

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 08:47:00 +0000

In response to a tripartite meme from Jay of 'Dat'Money

The first of the triad is the birthday month meme which I did some 6 weeks ago.

The second is the '7 things' meme which I did a week prior to that.

I'm (thus) left with the third option in which I'm supposed to go through my archives and choose five favorite posts about my family, friends, myself, something I love and lastly, one of my choice.

So I browse through a hundred posts and after 2 full hours, I still can't come up with my selection. My blog has always been a personal assay and picking just 5 is an impossible task. Here then (in no particular order) are my top picks.

Disambiguated Seity because even at age 30, I still can't quite figure IT out.
Temporary Madness as I'm perpetually IN love.
An Ode To Snow White. Physical Beauty is so f***in' overrated!
Battle Scars. Believe it or not, I'm proud of ALL my scars, superficial or otherwise.
Dreamweaving because I (still) believe hope springs eternal.
Highly Evolved Defense Mechanisms. To some degree, aren't we all equipped???
Diabolical Idiosyncrasies because I believe in God-given free will.
Hyperspeed because I seriously think one could lose oneself in a notional world.
The Fine Art Of Conversation because I keep finding myself soliloquizing.
Mastering The Art Of Falling as it was written for a friend in denial about a very serious problem.
The Ultimate Secret To Happiness. Sorry to burst your bubble, there is none.
Hey Handsome. A birthday pressie for my main man.
A Skeleton Out Of My Closet. Probably the most personal piece I've written, not to mention the only one with 'tears' to match.
Shiver Me Timbers: Drastic Measures (Part 2) (in which I did the unthinkable!!!) as it was written to exorcise the ghost of an ex flame.
Turning Over A New Leaf as I'm so grateful to have had my blog 'adopted'. *Yay*
Denounging Suffrage which explains why I have denounced my right to vote and why I hate politicians.
Of Sex Scandals & Pinays. Seriously, in this day and age, do you still think that the world is flat, or were you born yesterday?!!!
Holiday Anathema because I hate spoiled brats!
Conservation 101 For Dumdums. Sedira is beautiful. Call her otherwise and I'd kick you right smack in the balls!!!!
My wakeboarding posts because I'd wakeboard everyday if I could!!!

And my Pinoy posts...............

Super Tsuper: An Overview of Filipino Public Ultility Drivers because you just have to live with them! *Grrrrrrr*
The Sub Genuses Of Filipino Traffic Violators Este Drivers. Pardon the a**holes.
Pinoy Daredevils. Yet another pet peeve.
My Shungak Awards. They deserve the honor...........
Only In The Philippines, Filipino 'SIGNS' Of Wit. Filipnos are quite inventive.
Only In The Philippines, Mga Pamahiing Filipino. Filipinos are just plain superstitious.
Pinoy Folk Illnesses. Not only are we superstitious..........
The Philippines Through The Eyes Of A Filipina. I'm (still) downright proud to be Filipino!
Filipinos: The Good, The Bad, & The Chaka. Duh???

In turn, I tag
J.D. of The Uneasy Supplicant, like I said, I love your take on memes.
Joel of My Journal
Josey of Stayin' Silly, Livin' Lucky to help keep her mind off her 'mind vs. taste buds' battle ;) Annita of Footprints
Iron Pugilist of The Road To Madness
Pusa of Pusang Maganda
CC of Bamboo Blitz
Nessa of Mumblings

Since this is part of a triad, feel free to do one or all three ;)

Thanks again Jay! Whew, that was definitely waaaaayyyy more than the 5 you require ;)

Hitting 100

noreply@blogger.com (Black_Mamba) — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 13:31:00 +0000

After blogging for a little over 4 months, my blog has eventually broken a hundred posts. *Yay* To celebrate, here's a list of the recent honors I've received from some very generous bloggers.

Given by Jay of 'Dat' Curious in commemoration of his 100th post.

From Annita of Footprints
Another friendship badge, this time it's from Annita
I received this sometime ago from Tatiana, which I got again from Annita
Again from the equally (if not more) fabulous Annita
Last but not least, one of my most treasured awards from a treasured friend. From J.D. Beaudoin of The Uneasy Supplicant

Thanks again to Jay, Annita, and J.D.

Since it's my blog's (post) anniversary celebration, I hope you don't mind if I keep these to myself *heh* just this once.

Here's to my next hundred :)