Pinoy Text Messaging, For Special Ocassions & More Erap Jokes

More more more..........

FOR MOTHER'S DAY:
Pakisabi nga sa
PINAKASIGA,
PINAKAMATON,
PINAKAMATAPANG
@ SA LAGING
NASUSUNOD DYAN
sa pamamahay niyo na............
Happy Mother's day!

FOR ALL SOUL'S DAY:
Save yourself the trouble
with traffic at cemeteries.
DO NOT VISIT your departed loved ones anymore.
Instead, ask them to VISIT you.
It's more personal and meaningful.

FOR CHRISTMAS:
Magandang
ibigay
na regalo
sa darating na Pasko.

Sa kaibigan:
KATAPATAN
Sa kaaway:
PAGPAPATAWAD
Sa magulang:
PASASALAMAT
Sa Diyos:
BUHAY MO

Sa akin:
1. Nokia E90
2. Ipod Video
3. PS3
4. Fujitsu Laptop
5. Mini theater
6. 10-megapixel digital camera
7. Swiss bank account
8. Hummer H2
............yun lang, hapi na 'ko!
ang babaw noh?
Merry Christmas!


MGA EKSENA SA PELIKULANG PILIPINO:
napapansin nyo ba...................
- bad guys - laging naka black leather jacket
- kapag nabagok and bida - nagkaka amnesia st kailangan uli mabagok para bumalik ang ala-ala
- laging sinasabi ng bida ang title ng movie
- huli ang dating ng pulis sa eksena
- agaw-buhay na ang isang tauhan pero wala pa ring tumatawag ng tulong o saklolo
- pansit ang laging pasalubong
- napakahabang usapan ng bida at kontrabida bago magbarilan
- pagka haba habang habilin bago mamatay
- noong 80's at 90's, yung mahirap na babae kapag yumaman nagiging kulot ang buhok
- ngayon, yung mahirap na babae kapag yumaman nagiging straight na ang buhok, may pampa rebond na siya


Miscellaneous:

Wanna know how
Hindu (Indians) people communicate
without talking?

see the red dot
on their forehead?

Infrared pare,
Infrared...........


Chinese man on his death bed...........
aki asawa ajan ba?
00.
aki panganay ajan ba?
opo.
aki bunso ajan ba?
opo.

walanya! dito kayo lahat.... wala tao tindahan!


More Erap Jokes:

Breaking his silence on the jueteng issue, Erap was reportedly heard saying:
"Do not believe all these lies!
I did not receive gambling money!
I don't gamble!
Damn it!
Wag niyo kong subukan!
Wanna bet?
Double my terms or nothing!

Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written: "Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"

Pa-landing na ang presidential plane.
Napansin ng stewardess na parangsumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabing stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess."Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.

"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.
"Ano yata Lactacyd."

Q: How are a San Miguel Beer bottle and Erap alike?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!

Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!

Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.

Pinoy Text Messaging, Erap Jokes

Of course text messaging won't be as hilarious without the witticisms and one-liners on the deposed president. Here they are.............

Erap's Dictionary:
ASPECT - pantusok ng yelo
CD-ROM - tingnan ang kwarto
EFFORT - landingan ng efflane
PROFIT - patunayan mo
PREDICATE - pakawalan ang pusa
DILEMMA - brown out

A sexy reporter was about to interview Erap
Pinisil ni Erap ang boobs ng reporter
"Sir, bakit nyo pinisil ang boobs ko?"
Erap: "Kasi nakalagay PRESS"

Sabi ni Marcos: "Mabuhay ang Filipino"
Sabi ni Cory: "Laban Filipino"
Sabi ni Ramos: "Sulong Filipino"
Sabi ni Erap: "Casino Filipino"
O taya na kayo

Clinton to Erap: I'm planning to stop poverty and mass starvation.
Erap: Maganda i-stop poverty pero yang masturbation hindi pwede, human rights violation yan.

Scenario: Malacañang on fire
Guard: Dito po ang daan sa fire exit
Erap: Gago, dyan nga dadaan ang apoy eh!

3 women figure prominently in the life of the Erap:
LOI (Lady Often Insulted)
GUIA ( Girl Using Intimacy to Advantage)
LAARNI (LAdy na maraming ARi-arian kaya No Imik)

ARMY: No pain, no gain
AIR FORCE: No guts, no glory
MARINES: No retreat, no surrender
SECURITY GUARD: No ID, no entry
ABU SAYYAF: No ransom, no release
ERAP: No read, no write

Nakapila si Erap sa likod ni FVR sa isang ATM machine
FVR: O, bakit nakangiti ka?
Erap: Alam ko na ang PIN number mo hehe
FVR: Sige nga, ano?
Erap: Eh di apat na asterisk

Erap flew on a foreign airline in one of his trips abroad.
Stewardess: Sir, are you done?
Erap: No, I'm Erap
S: No, I mean are you finished?
E: No, I'm Filipino
S: I mean are you through?
E: What do you think of me false?

Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight:
Reporter: Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?
Erap: I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako

Jinggoy: Dad, help me, uminom ako ng Baygon
Erap: Bakit? Magsusuicide ka?
J: Hindi, nakalunok ako ng ipis
E: Tanga, dapat kumain ka ng tsinelas!

Jinggoy: Dad, di kita madadalaw ngayon may urine test ako.
Erap: Okay lang anak. Mag-aral kang mabuti.

Sa New York, ini-interview ng isang reporter si Erap.
"Mr. President, what do you think is the secret of happy marriage?" tanong ng reporter
"Well, for me?" paumpisang Ingles ni Erap, "Everything I demand for sex, my wife supplies"
Na-turn off ang reporter, "Isn't that hostile [pronounced as hastayl]?"
"Hostile, dog-style, any style is okay for me," sagot ni Erap na may ngiti pa sa labi.


haha.........

Pinoy Text Messaging

Yesterday, as I was checking my cell, I was amazed to find 782 messages in my Inbox alone. I browsed through them and I got to read only about 40 and I'm reminded why I couldn't delete them in the first place.

Since the birth of the modern cellphone, text messaging has been an integral part of Pinoy culture. The Philippines was the first in Asia to use text messaging. We even hold the most number of text messages sent all across the globe. You'd see people here texting while walking, eating, driving, in the theaters/ cinemas, in schools, in church (my pet peeve), practically just about anytime and anywhere.

I'm not an avid texter although I do receive a lot of text messages (on a daily basis) from my siblings, my titas, friends, especially from my dear cousin Louise A.K.A. Duday. Some of them religious, some gross, some really 'green' (if you know what I mean wink wink), some for special occasions, some just plain hilarious. And since I have hundreds to share, I'll start with just a few. I hope you understand basic text lingo. Here they are, well at least some of them.............

(Quotable Quotes)
Famous Quotes:
1. Better late than pregnant
2. Pag may tiyaga, gudluck
3. Aanhin pa ang damo, kung bato na ang uso
4. Pag binato ka ng bato, kawawa ka naman
5. Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa
6. Ang taong nagigipit, sa Bumbay kumakapit.
7. Cleanliness is nxt to 2 Godliness, Oiliness is nxt to blemishes
8. Kapag may isinuksok, may mabubuntis
9. Ang taong naglalakad ng matulin, pawisan
10. Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon, mauubusan din ng kandila

Modern Philosophies:
1. If ur father is poor, it's ur fate. If ur father-in-law is poor, it's ur stupidity
2. An apple a day is not an apple at night
3. When the cat is away, the mouse is alone
4. If others can do it, don't help
5. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
6. Love thy neighbor but don't get caught
7. Love is fotogenic. It needs darkness to develop
8. Ur future depends on ur dreams, so go to sleep
9. Children in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseats cause children
10. Save water. Shower with partner.


(Para sa mga tomador)
10 UTOS SA PAG-INOM:
1. wag makulit habang umiinom
2. wag matakaw sa pulutan (hindi ito picnic)
3. wag patagalin ang baso (dahil may naghhntay)
4. wag inom lang ng inom (bumili ka rin)
5. uminom ng diretso sa tiyan (wag sa ulo)
6. magparamdam kng uuwi na (di ung bigla ka na lng mawawala)
7. magtabi ng pamasahe (para di ka maglakad pauwi ng bahay)
8. wag matutulog sa harap ng kainuman kung may tama o lasing na
9. cguraduhing sa bahay ang uwi kpag lasing na
10. sa kanal o sa inidoro sumuka (wag sa katabi)


(Para sa mga may LQ)
pag nagalit sa u
ang minamahal m
at ayaw 2migil
s kssumbat s u
wag ka magalit
wag ka sumabay
yakapin mo sya
@ ibulong sa kanya

"kulang ka n naman sa sex no?
Cge hubad na!"


(On Cartoon characters)
Cartoon characters that r bad influences to our kids:
1. Dora the Explorer (lakwachera)
2. Blue's Clues (mahilig magkalat)
3. Winnie the Pooh (lumalabas ng walang panty)
4. Spongebob (bobong tanga)
5. Kids next door (mga gagong bata)
6. Winx (malalanding ilusyonada)
7. Barney (baklang dinosaur)


(Movies)
Tagalog Translation 4 English Movies:
1. Black Hawk Down - ibong maitim s ibba
2. Dead Man's Chest - dodo ng patay
3. There's Something About Mary - May kwan sa ano ni Maria
4. Nightmare Before Christmas - Bangungot sa Noche Buena
5. Lord of the Rings - Ang Alahero
6. Employee of the Month - Ang Sipsip
7. The Fast & The Furious - Ang bitin, galit
8. Too fast, Too Furious - Pag sobrang bitin, sobrang galit
9. Snakes on a Plane - Nag-ahasan sa ere
10. Resident Evil - Ang Biyenan


(For those of you who are broke - this works haha)
problemado ka ba
at walang pera???
eto ang sagot dyan

Juz text:
NANAY_PENGE_PERA_AMOUNT_LAB U!


(Chinese names)
Newly Born Chinese names:
born secretly: TINA GO
born swindled: LINO CO
born alternately: SALLY TAN
born accused: MACY SY
born honest: UMA MING
born dark: ANDY LIM
born fat: LUCKY CHAN
born fatter: BOB UY
born evil: DAEMON YU
born flirt: ALAN DY
born smelly: KELLY KAY LEE
born different: EVA YAN
born incomplete: COLE ANG
born sick: HATCH CHENG
born cute: EDDY MI
haha


(Melanie Marquez jokes)
TOP 10 Melanie Marquez jokes:
1. I cudn't care a damn
2. What's ur next class before this?
3. Can u repeat that 4 the 2nd time around once more from the top?
4. Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay
5. Come, let's join us
6. I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival
7. Don't touch me not
8. Hello? 4 a while. Pls hang yourself
9. Hello, my brother Joey is out of town. Wud u lyk 2 wait?
10. Don't judge my brother. He's not a book

Here's another:

A coñotic girl
spots Melanie Marquez and calls out,
"Hey,
Bitch!"
Melanie gets upset.
Enraged,
she yells back,
"Never,
ever,
EVER,
call me HEY!"


hahaha..............