Shaken and Stirred but not Beaten

Whoever started the phrase 'bored to death' and 'bored senseless' must be dead by now. And seriously, I'm starting to know the feeling.

My head is constantly spinning and I'm almost always nauseated. Somehow I feel my brain is about to atrophy. I'm bloated even though I'm aeons away from PMSing. Even my ovaries have gone on a major strike as I haven't had my period in nearly 5 weeks and I'm not even pregnant.

I lost ALL my files recently when my portable hard drive crashed. Imagine losing important data for work and copies/ scanned documents of me and my family plus about 80 GB worth of photos. Kaput. Just like that.

I feel so alone even when I'm not. I feel as though the bottom of my world is about to fall out. I feel as if all doors have been slammed on my face. I think I'm way past homesickness pero p***ng ina, inip na inip na 'ko!

I'm not even complaining. Because I know that's how life is. It hits you hard and it hits you fast. And I've gained and lost everything in my life twice over in the past and I'm not afraid to go through that again.

Going Lord Byron's way, 'The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.'

And I'd rather be dead than nonexistent.

Doubting Thomas

I've been so friggin' down, depressed, and bored lately that last week I was contemplating on a) talking to a squirrel, b) jumping off a cliff, and c) gouging my eyes out.

I've read a lot of Poe and it left me even more dejected. I've solved more than 80% of all the sodoku puzzles in the DS' Brain Age yet I still feel as though my brain has atrophied. I called my Mom whom I haven't seen in nearly 3 months just to see how she's doing (she's just undergone appendectomy) and she ended up giving me a litany on (unfortunate) current events and versed my long list of lapses some 20 years ago so I hung up and felt even more dysphoric than I already was.

I just about hyperventilated so I started praying and ended up questioning my faith.

Don't get me wrong, I was born and raised Catholic. I attended Catholic school in elementary and an all-girls Catholic school in high school. My parents were never really religious though. There was even a time in my teenage life that I was a proud agnostic.

But it was in that disblief that I started searching. And I realized how beautiful religon is.

Although I am Catholic, I don't shun other religons. I don't subscribe to just one religon either.

I do attend Sunday mass because in doing so, I feel an immense amount of gratitude. I pray as much as I can not so much for salvation but because it brings me much tranquility and serenity. And I DO believe not because I can feel it in me. Knowing that I am not alone, I am one happy camper.

Ultimately, it's not so much about the gestures or mantras or what it signifies but what it does to me and how it makes me feel inside.

So here's to believing, disbelieving, searching, and the odd things in between. Because even in disbelief there is pursuit. And in searching, discovery.

The L Word

Dang it!

I picked up Adverbs by Daniel Handler months ago not just because I'm a devoted Lemony Snicket fan but because I fell in love with the cover and because it said 'this novel is about love' at the back cover.

It's supposedly a compilation of 17 different short stories although I seriously think the characters and plots are loosely connected as the characters do reappear (or is it they have the same names? I don't think so, even when their gender changes every so often) and the plot, well, seemingly linked.

Being the hopeless romantic (or is it voracious reader) that I am, I tried finishing the book in one sitting. Well almost. Before I even got to the last 2 chapters/ stories, I misplaced the book. I nearly forgot about it until I chanced upon it 2 days ago sitting behind East of Eden.

So I reread the whole dang thing.

The funny thing is - after reading it, rereading it, and reading between the lines - I don't think I got it. I thought perhaps reading it was a waste of time.

Although Handler portrayed the many faces and facets of love, he did so with his usual deadpan humor, sarcastic dry wit, and uncanny wordplay.

For something that claims to be about love, I found it to be quite unsentimental. Complex. Challenging.

Sometimes tortured, at times tragic. Sometimes sad, at times humorous. Oftentimes angry and obsessive, sometimes twisted and depressing.

Or maybe that's how love is in the first place.

It's beyond definiton. It defies categorization. It demands way too much energy. And in the end, it doesn't add up to anything.

The only lines(s) from the book I did get reads: 'Love is this sudden crash in your path, quick and to the point, and nearly always it leaves someone slain on the green'.

To which I couldn't agree more because even to a simpleton such as myself, anything less than mad, crazy jealous, obsessive, passionate, all-consuming love is a waste of time.

Dang, am I lucky!

Recoup

I'm just beginning to get back on my feet. Losing 5 lbs. in 3 days was a wake-up call. It may not seem like much but on an already petite frame, believe me, that's excessive.

I'm through with denial and anguish. With prayers and a lot of support, I think I've managed to accept things as they are now. Of course, my boys have always been such an inspiration....... While I'm at it, I may as well thank all those, who have in more ways than one, helped us.

To Joel's high school buddies - Gerry, Allan, Paolo, Ricky, Lindley, Jing, Ducon, Pasky, Hector, Auwie, Malou, Anna, Shirley, Rowelyn, Myra, Aileen - for planning and executing the perfect surprise 'Bon Voyage' party for J, thank you. We appreciate the superb gesture, and how very thoughtful of you all to have given it........

To dear blogger friends - JD, Iron Pugilist, Liudmila, Frogster, Florence, Ate Beng - for the wonderful messages and the well wishes. And to Annita - bless you for your sweet e-card and for your affecting messages. I can sense the warmth and genuineness of your poignant words.......

To Ate Leni, Kuya Sam, Tim, Mommy Nita, Ate Baby, Ate Mel, Joseph R, Celina R, & Mike C - for helping us as we ease through this transition, thank you. No words can express our gratitude for all you've done. Namaste.......

J
I miss you greatly.
I can't wait for that day when I can steal that few moments with you again so we can escape to our own private world - where nothing exists but the two of us.
I love you overly much, you know very well how much I do.
I

Wandering Aimlessly

I missed the u-turn slot in Quezon Avenue.
I missed Gate 2 in Ateneo.
I missed the right turn going to Saint Claire and ended up in Marikina.
I almost forgot to pick up my son in pre-school.
I feel completely lost. Everything looks dreary.

I used to see the world with very dark lenses.

It was through his eyes that I saw vivid light and magnificent hues - that the world ain't so bad after all.

Without his lenses, I somewhat see that darkness again.

Vince: It's just like giving birth - no matter how many people you ask about it, no matter how many books you read on it - you'll never really know how it is unless you go through it yourself.
Ivy: I never thought it would be this hard.
Vince: Give yourself time to grieve but then again you need to be stronger for the kids and for him as well.
Ivy: It's hard trying to keep a straight face in front of them.
Vince: Think of it this way, at least you've taken the first step.
Ivy: I know, but it sure is the hardest.

I retract that statement - it's the long, bitterly cold nights I dread the most.

J
I miss you terribly, and if by chance you see a shooting star tonight - that would be me - blowing a massive kiss for you.......
I

Losing Grip

I thought 8 long months was enough to prepare me for this day - apparently not.

For almost a decade, we've never been apart longer than 48 hours. You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to know how long and grueling the next 2 and a half months would be to me.

I though the tear duct was somewhat like a well, that it would eventually dry up - apparently not.

After a week of crying, I find that my tear ducts and gland refuse to dry up. After a week of lacrimation, the tears can't seem to get drained off.

Being without him is like having a big lump on my soul. Everything looks dull. Every part of the house looks empty. Every part of my body feels numb. The air seems icy. And everything - yes, everything - tastes like paper.

It is said that no single pain killer works for everyone - well, except time. So until then, I'll be swimming in wretchedness for some time - say, the next 2 and a half months.

J
I miss all of you.
I miss your big brown eyes.
I miss your leg to ride against.
I am burning with longing to see you. Oh that I could.
Know that I think of you constantly, I miss you terribly, and I love you exceedingly.
I

Proverbial

(My PMS has broken into its more severe form, PMDD. Don't be surprised to find this long rant either deleted or drastically edited in the next few days - THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT)

Ask either of my parents how I was as a kid and they'd probably tell you I was(!) the female counterpart of Dennis the Menace (see, even my old photo shows that menacing grin lol). I got into a lot of catfights and fistfights, and yes I was very, very naughty. Let's see, I knocked off my sister Coco's tooth on two separate occasions (and was punished severely for both incidents), I smacked a classmate's head with a soda bottle when I was in 4th grade for he was constantly teasing and making fun of me (he was fine and I was penalized which I so rightfully deserved), I managed to wreck one of my parents' trucks by sneaking it without their consent and then driving it straight into a cliff (accidentally or course, I was 14 then and was unaware that driving a right-handed vehicle required a different set of driving skills) making the truck roll over 6 times, and oh and did I mention that I was with my brother who was then only 8? Thank God no one was hurt.

Being the troublemaker that I once was, I got punished and chastised quite often. I'm sure you get the picture.

My parents had very different views on discipline though. My Mom belonged to the 'lumuhod ka sa bigas' school of discipline where one is supposed to kneel on rice grains for hours on end with arms extended to one's sides with either 2 massive telephone directories or an encyclopedia on each hand. My Dad, on the other hand, belonged to the 'evangelize, moralize, sermonize' school of discipline. Up to this day, he'd probably bombard me with sermons if he recalls the number of times he was summoned to the Principal's office.

Among the most vivid sermons I remember (although back then I pretended not to listen) are the ones on accountability. Take for example the difference between asking for consent and stating plans.

Say there's a huge party I want to attend, I could either say - 'There's a party at whoever's house, can I go? Pretty please.' VS. 'I'm attending a party at whoever's house tonight so don't wait up.' Or - 'May I use the car tonight?' VS. 'I'm gonna use the car tonight.'.

The former is a question and the latter is a statement. The former shows respect for authority and the latter shows utter disregard for it.

But what if the damage has been done - say for example a huge dimple slightly bigger than a halved orange right above the car's front tire or perhaps a ginormous scratch on the side of the car extending from the second door all the way to the rear bumper - do I fess up immediately or do I wait for anybody to notice?

For obvious reasons, I'd go with the former. For one, I don't think anybody would be that stupid not to notice. Second, I'd rather he hear it straight from the horse's mouth than from another source. And lastly, well, I've found that the imposed castigation is worse with the latter.

I'm not proud of my mistakes but I do own up to them and I do make an effort to pay for them. At least that's what I was taught, but then again I can only speak for myself. So what the hell are you gonna do about THAT? Huh.........

Emotional Vampires

Just when you thought vampires only existed in fictitious narratives and horror flicks, think again.

I find that there are three kinds of complainers, whiners, grumblers and/or faultfinders in this world, or in mine at least.

There are those who complain because they're looking for a solution to their hornets' nest in the process. That to me, is perfectly fine.

There are those who grump about their dissatisfactions and resentments because they want to let it all out, more like a form of release. Which again is perfectly okay just as long as the griper doesn't do it often. While I'm at it, I may as well admit that I belong to this category.

There are those who consatantly whine simply to elicit sympathy or more likely, attention. In Filipino, I think the term for this is reklamador or most probably KSP. Among the three, I find the latter the most annoying kind. For one, they whine, complain, and grouch over the same old things but you'll be amazed that they do nothing to solve anything. They whine about the same things over and over and over again. Even when given expedient advice, solicited or otherwise, you'll find they have absolutely no intention of solving anything.

In your quest to become a good listener, you'll find yourself
(a) drained of every positive human emotion such as joy, happiness, and love;
(b) worn-out of virtues such as faith and hope; and
(c) with thoughts filled with doubt and negativity, sometimes leaving you in a state of coma.

Much like Dracula, they can pretty much suck the life out of you.

I used to be a magnet for the third kind but growing older (not necessarily wiser) I've managed to identify them. In the process, I've managed to sever ties, even those formed by blood.

Doing so is not without recoil though. Erstwhile friends think I'm a major bitch. But then again, I truly am and I make no apologies for that.

Estranged relatives think I'm an ingrate. Come to think of it, I owe them nothing and I really care not what they think of me.

My dear friend Vince used to tell me (but not anymore), 'Ivy, your biggest problems aren't even yours to begin with'. Truer words have never been spoken.

Now I'm left with my sanity and a handful of silver bullets for validation.

Blog Archiving

In response to a tripartite meme from Jay of 'Dat'Money

The first of the triad is the birthday month meme which I did some 6 weeks ago.

The second is the '7 things' meme which I did a week prior to that.

I'm (thus) left with the third option in which I'm supposed to go through my archives and choose five favorite posts about my family, friends, myself, something I love and lastly, one of my choice.

So I browse through a hundred posts and after 2 full hours, I still can't come up with my selection. My blog has always been a personal assay and picking just 5 is an impossible task. Here then (in no particular order) are my top picks.

Disambiguated Seity because even at age 30, I still can't quite figure IT out.
Temporary Madness as I'm perpetually IN love.
An Ode To Snow White. Physical Beauty is so f***in' overrated!
Battle Scars. Believe it or not, I'm proud of ALL my scars, superficial or otherwise.
Dreamweaving because I (still) believe hope springs eternal.
Highly Evolved Defense Mechanisms. To some degree, aren't we all equipped???
Diabolical Idiosyncrasies because I believe in God-given free will.
Hyperspeed because I seriously think one could lose oneself in a notional world.
The Fine Art Of Conversation because I keep finding myself soliloquizing.
Mastering The Art Of Falling as it was written for a friend in denial about a very serious problem.
The Ultimate Secret To Happiness. Sorry to burst your bubble, there is none.
Hey Handsome. A birthday pressie for my main man.
A Skeleton Out Of My Closet. Probably the most personal piece I've written, not to mention the only one with 'tears' to match.
Shiver Me Timbers: Drastic Measures (Part 2) (in which I did the unthinkable!!!) as it was written to exorcise the ghost of an ex flame.
Turning Over A New Leaf as I'm so grateful to have had my blog 'adopted'. *Yay*
Denounging Suffrage which explains why I have denounced my right to vote and why I hate politicians.
Of Sex Scandals & Pinays. Seriously, in this day and age, do you still think that the world is flat, or were you born yesterday?!!!
Holiday Anathema because I hate spoiled brats!
Conservation 101 For Dumdums. Sedira is beautiful. Call her otherwise and I'd kick you right smack in the balls!!!!
My wakeboarding posts because I'd wakeboard everyday if I could!!!

And my Pinoy posts...............

Super Tsuper: An Overview of Filipino Public Ultility Drivers because you just have to live with them! *Grrrrrrr*
The Sub Genuses Of Filipino Traffic Violators Este Drivers. Pardon the a**holes.
Pinoy Daredevils. Yet another pet peeve.
My Shungak Awards. They deserve the honor...........
Only In The Philippines, Filipino 'SIGNS' Of Wit. Filipnos are quite inventive.
Only In The Philippines, Mga Pamahiing Filipino. Filipinos are just plain superstitious.
Pinoy Folk Illnesses. Not only are we superstitious..........
The Philippines Through The Eyes Of A Filipina. I'm (still) downright proud to be Filipino!
Filipinos: The Good, The Bad, & The Chaka. Duh???

In turn, I tag
J.D. of The Uneasy Supplicant, like I said, I love your take on memes.
Joel of My Journal
Josey of Stayin' Silly, Livin' Lucky to help keep her mind off her 'mind vs. taste buds' battle ;) Annita of Footprints
Iron Pugilist of The Road To Madness
Pusa of Pusang Maganda
CC of Bamboo Blitz
Nessa of Mumblings

Since this is part of a triad, feel free to do one or all three ;)

Thanks again Jay! Whew, that was definitely waaaaayyyy more than the 5 you require ;)

Obiter Dicta

obi·ter dic·tum \"ō-bə-tər-'dik-təm, "ä-\ n, pl obiter dic·ta \-tə\ [LL, lit., something said in passing] (1812) 1 : an incidental and collateral opinion that is uttered by a judge but is not binding 2 : an incidental remark or observation

I haven't answered any of the comments I've received recently. I do not ignore comments I receive nor am I an ingrate.

I love receiving comments, pleasant or otherwise. For one, it's my arbitrary gauge on whether the reader/commenter
a. breezed through my page
b. skimmed through the post
c. read the article
d. grasped my rhetoric
e. none of the above
f. all of the above

As a reader, I do comment on posts of fellow bloggers whose topics I can relate to.

As a blogger, I know it takes a considerable amount of time, effort, and sometimes even patience (especially with long anti-spam text) to give an exegesis on another blogger's piece. That explains why I used to answer all comments I receive, why I removed my anti-spam, and why I so love getting them.

Being human, I cannot help be offended when I get bashed through those remarks.

Being myself, I cannot keep my temper nor hold my tongue when I feel assaulted with words.

Being a freedom-loving person and a firm believer of free speech however,
a. I'm still allowing anonymous comments
b. I'm still not enabling comment moderation
c. I'm still not activating word verification/ anti-spam text
d. I'm not answering comments (unless needed) although I'd gladly reciprocate by commenting on your site (if I can relate) and
e. I'd still unleash my pent-up rage on crude, impolite, and 'tacky' comments.

Do I make myself clear Mrs. Anonymous Commenter? I know who you are by the way...............

The Year That Was

I'm not usually one to welcome the New Year with a bang. I admit it's not my favorite holiday but since 2007 has been quite a noteworthy year, I might as well catalog the circumstances (in my boring life) of the year that was.

- I turned 30 (Good Lord, now my siblings call me 'old')
- I suffered an early mid-life crisis (depression, waterworks, drama, the works)
- I started blogging
- I read more of Capote, Kundera, Kazantzakis, biographies, and autobiographies: and less of Coelho, Gibran, Morrison, and fashion magazines
- I had 12.5 inches of hair cut off
- I exercised less
- And for the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed having friends

I don't believe in resolutions either. Seriously, resolving to do something doesn't necessarily guarantee you'd actually DO it.

In place of resolutions here's a wishlist of well, wishes and hopes for the year ahead:

- Patience, patience, patience (Dear Lord, I need a lot :)
- Fuseless temper (if only for Joel & my kids)
- Wisdom, courage, temperance, fortitude (you know the rest)
- A large throat to swallow a terrible amount of pride
- An insane amount of luck (When, oh when am I going to win the lottery???)
- Distinction, merit, the works (I don't know what for and with what though)
- A Chanel 2.55 or another Balenciaga City
- A full-time job

Happy New Year to all!!!!

Holiday Dead Weight

I feel like an utter grinch and took about 16 festive quizzes just to prove myself wrong. I finally found one I can truly identify with........

What The Holidays Mean to You

For you, the holidays are about generosity. You give as much as you possibly can to friends, family, and charity. You celebrate the holidays in a minimalist style. You are likely to only give one great present and decorate your house with a few special items. During the holidays, you feel like having fun. Tradition is not important to you... having a blast with your friends is. You think the holidays should be nostalgic and sweet. The holidays bring out your inner child. Your best holiday memories are of childhood foods and traditions. You secretly still wish you believed in Santa Claus.

What Do the Holidays Mean to You?

Seroiusly, what does it all mean to you???

Here's to a meaningful and blessed Christmas to all!

Holiday Anathema

The Christmas season isn't exactly my favorite time of the year. For starters, it's so darn commercialized. I'm not being scrooge-ish but seriously, how on earth can one do some serious soul-searching amid all the parties, events, presents, food, alcohol, sweets, and traffic?

A strong case in point would be an incident just 2 days ago. Joel and I decided to do some last minute Christmas shopping sans the kids at Trinoma. We anticipated the traffic and the huge crowds hence we went as soon as it opened.

By 11 A.M., we were starved and decided to have our lunch early. Due to opposing tastes, we had to go our separate ways. I ordered take-out from Taco Bell, and he ordered his lunch to go from his favorite steakhouse. We decided to meet at the food court.

I got there first and got the best banquet seat in the house. Since he was taking too long, I started nibbling away. Just then, a mom, her daughter (about 6 or 7), and her yaya (local term for nursemaid or nanny) approached me and asked if I was with someone so I said yes. Minutes later, they went back and asked me the same question. I, of course, gave the same answer.

I wouldn't have mind having them but there were about a hundred vacant tables in the food court. The kid throws me a piercing glance followed by a huge tantrum then started yelling at her mom and threatened that if she cannot sit there, she's not eating at all.

I remain unfazed amid all the drama. I'm not moving my fat ass for some spoiled rotten kid.

Joel arrives and little miss spoiled brat decides to shut up. The mom-in-despair, the spoiled rotten kid, and the dumbfounded yaya then settle for a table near ours. The spoiled little beast throws me piercing glances every now and then while showing off her new Winx and Bratz dolls to her yaya.

I swear I wanted to gouge her eyes out. Joel calms me by telling me that she isn't my problem, she's her mother's problem. Which is so true making the brat in me shut up.

I've always believed that the spoiled breed is 'made' and not 'born'. No baby is born spoiled. Spoiled rottenness is not innate.

Bringing up and rearing children is a huge responsibility and to a point, a major obligation that all parents should commit themselves to upholding.

I may not be the perfect mother but one thing I'm most definitely proud of is that my boys are far from spoiled brats. They are the most amazing creatures on the planet and of that, I'm quite certain (proud mama ).

Nonetheless it's still the season to be jolly so in keeping with the times and so as not to wreck my sons' super festive mood, I'm desperately trying to keep a smile on my already wrinkled face.

Christmas has somehow lost its true essence amid all the material indulgences we employ to celebrate it.

I'm still going with the scientific theory that the Lord was born sometime in the summer because apparently there was no hay in December in Nazareth.

I can't wait till it's REALLY 'Christ'mas.

Thirty-Eight Things

Panhandled form Cyberpunk

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?
My sister, Memai, A.K.A. Chakaness
2. What were you doing at 0800?
Socializing at a party at my parents' house
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
In a brown study
4. What happened to you in 2006?
Irons in the fire
5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
Can't remember
6. How many beverages did you have today?
2 cups of coffee, 2 cups of milk tea, 4 cups of iced tea
7. What color is your hairbrush?
Black
8. What was the last thing you paid for?
Gum
9. Where were you last night?
See # 2
10. What color is your front door?
Brown
11. Where do you keep your change?
Coin purse
12. What’s the weather like today?
Breezy
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Haagen-Dazs dulce de leche & rum raisin
14. What excites you?
Wakeboarding, bags, Joel, my kids (in no particular order)
15. Do you want to cut your hair?
I already have
16. Are you over the age of 25?
Affirmative
17. Do you talk a lot?
Only when I'm comfortable
18. Do you watch the O.C.?
Only the episodes before they killed off Mischa Barton's character
19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
Do Steven Spielberg , Steven Seagal, and Steven Curtis Chapman count?
20. Do you make up your own words?
Shurevaloo!!!
21. Are you a jealous person?
Ask Joel
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
Ana
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.
Kats
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
My mom
25. What does the last text message you received say?
Globe advisory
26. Do you chew on your straw?
All the time
27. Do you have curly hair?
Negative
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Never-never land
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
I'm not telling
30. What was the last thing you ate?
Chicken empanada
31. Will you get married in the future?
Duh
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
Ray
33. Is there anyone you like right now?
Long term/ concrete/ objective: Joel
Short term/ notional/ subjective: Gerard Butler
Material/ mercenary/ irrational: White Goyard PM tote
34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
This morning
35. Are you currently depressed?
A little
36. Did you cry today?
Nope
37. Why did you answer and post this?
I haven't posted anything in 5 days. I haven't checked my emails in 3 days, hell I barely even touched the computer since. I've been attending Christmas parties nonstop for 4 consecutive nights and I seriously can't keep my mind (and hands) off my kids' new Pokemon Diamond version game of which I've been playing since they've had. In a matter of 2 days (and about 18 playing hours) I'm off to get my 7th gym badge. Can anybody tell me where in the Sinnoh region can I get my hands on my own Lucario?
38. 5 people you tag next?
J.D., for his creative and unconventional take on memes
Leena, for her numerical adroitness

FIN

Temporary Madness

love \'ləv\ n 1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties ‹maternal ~ for a child› (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests ‹~ for his old schoolmates› b : an assurance of love ‹give her my ~› 2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion ‹~ of the sea› 3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration ‹baseball was his first ~› b (1): a beloved person : often used as a term of endearment (2)Brit— used as an informal term of address 4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2): brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God 5 : a god or personification of love 6 : an amorous episode : love affair 7 : the sexual embrace : copulation 8 : a score of zero (as in tennis) 9 Christian Science: God — at love : holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis — in love : inspired by affection

All of the above definitions embody love as prescribed by a dictionary.

As much I 'love' the word 'love', there are ceratin aspects of the word I find perplexing. One, it is a very personal matter, even whimsical and capricious at times. Two, it is highly subjective, moodily introspective, and somewhat illusory. Three, it is probably the English language's most misused, abused, debased, and misunderstood word - ever.

One of love's integrants is lust. Lust is probably the simplest and most primitive of its components. Or probably the most hormone-based <wink wink>.

There's another thing called romance or romantic love. Or in layman's term, madness. I was watching an episode on love on the Discovery Channel last week, and they believe that love and madness are very similar in nature. Apparently, the similarity is in one of the brain's neurotransmitters, Serotonin. In the central nervous system, serotonin is believed to play an important role in the regulation of anger, aggression, body temperature, mood, sleep, vomiting, sexuality, even appetite. Increased levels of this neurotransmitter have a calming and healing effect on people. Decreased levels, anxiety and depression.

Subsequently, our body's reaction to love subsides and different areas of the brain are then activated. Thus, attachment or commitment is in order. Among the three, this is probably the most complex. After all, how do you sutain love? If your serotonin levels continue to dwindle, can you stay 'in love' with a person? In short, can we actually keep the love alive?

Just how exactly do you 'account' for love?

Take for example my love for bags. I love bags, my heart skips two beats whenever I see even just a picture of an Hermes Birkin 35 cm in black or a Chanel reissue 2.55 white 226. But that has nothing to do with romance (okay, maybe just a little), more so with attachment or commitment. Why? Just like my former love affair with monogram, I know there will come a day when I will outgrow that lust. Or move on to yet another 'lustworthy' addiction lol.....

Or even wakeboarding. I sooooo love wakeboarding. I have been an addict for nearly 4 years and yet every single time I'm about 50 to 100 meters away from Lago, I start vomiting (another confession). Yes, it's been an inexplicable predicament since day 1. That, to me, is lust plus a little romance and a pinch of attachment.

Let's move on to something a little less worldly. Take my parents and siblings for example, I love them dearly yet I do not feel my anything romantic <eeew> towards them. I do not feel any lust <double eeew> for any one of them. But I do feel a highly strong and very deep cosmic attachment for every single one of them.

I can probably say the same for my children, this time amplify that attachment and affection to a gazillion times. I'm very protective of them (probably to a fault), and I'd kill (literally!) anybody who'd do them harm. Motherhood, to me, is presumably the paradigm of human and altruistic love.

It's much different with my husband though. After nearly 9 years of marriage and almost 10 years as lovers, I still feel 'that' certain desire. I still feel 'in love'. All that plus a deep, cosmic bond. He's pretty much my soulmate, don't you think? But that's another topic.

So here's to love. Transitory dementia. Evanescent lunacy. Temporal derangement. Momentary senselessness. Fugacious idiocy. Temporary madness. Or whatever it is you wish to call it.

Let The Cat Out Of The Bag

I have a handle on the situation.
I have a handle on my space and contents.
My vacant hollow.
Or the items of which I house a dozen odds and ends.
I always know what I possess or what may be un-there or missing.
To study my physiognomy, one might think not much or lacking.
But closer on inspection, I am near divine and worthy of great travels.
A true companion of love and comfort, recognition, the familiar.
I have been held in such a clutch and such a love storm by my mistress and her values.
She takes me aboard a thousand footsteps, always holding on and never once ignoring.
Mostly I am there to steady, to balance her or witness.
She sometimes shuffles through my soul in search of needy things,
like painted sticks and looking glasses of which I keep most dear.
She searches inward and there she looks inside my sacred space.
Full of painted stick and looking glasses,
I am my lady's handbag.
- I Have A Handle On The Situation, a poem by David Roby
(bag pics: all mine)

Aside from my blog and other blogging communities, I also hang around the Purse Forum quite often . There a lot of sub-forums there on practically every designer bag in existence. On each sub-forum is a 'What's in your bag?' thread. Being a purse addict/fanatic/enthusiast/freak, I've posted pics of nearly every single bag I own. But being a (somewhat) private person, I've only shown one bag's innards just one time.

I used to be crazy for those vinyl backpacks from Sari-Sari Store in my teens. I remember at one time having 2 of the same vinyl backpacks. As I got older (or probably a bit more modest), I've learned to value my privacy.

I used to be sooooooo crazy for logos. Thanks to my middle-age exigency, I'm now partial to non-monogrammed bags. Don't get me wrong, I still love them, It's just that I hate those stares I get from people who seem to want to ask whether I'm carrying the real deal. I do not own a single fake honey, never have, never will.

So when I was tagged for this meme by December stunner (and birthday girl) Melai, I was more than happy to riposte.

Say hello to my everyday bag, my '06 Black Balenciaga City Peek-a-booThe auricularFrom the top:
Fino leather checkbook holder, Lacoste long wallet (had it for 9 years), Nokia 9210 (dinosaur-age, my bother calls this a deadly weapon as it is so old and huge), Ipod Nano in Tokidoki ISkin (on outside pocket), Ipod shuffle (Joel's, outside pocket as well), Canon Ixus, Coin purse (I've had it since high school, can't even remember where I bought it), black satin purseket from bag-a-holic

Inside the purseket:Rosary and scapular (both from my paternal grandmother), Louis Vuitton Damier Cles which holds 2 SD cards (for my camera) and my car's spare key, The Sak address book, Givenchy card holder, paracetamol tablets (for my perpetual headeaches), house keys, mints, post-it flags, calculator, oil-control film, metered dose inhalers (for me & my sons' asthma), MAC blot powder, Nars blush in Orgasm, Shu Uemura eyelash curler, Shu Uemura magnifying mirror, Smashbox Tint in Smashing Heat, MAC lipstick in Cherish, Shu Uemura blush brush, Shu Uemura compact face brush, Tweezerman tweezers.

Shoot, there goes modesty and privacy right down the drain.

In the spirit of torch-passing memes, I pass this on to Canuck Chick, Josey, Mae, Ghee, and Beng. Tell me ladies, what's inside your bags? :)

Happy Birthday Manilenya!!!!

Disambiguated Seity

If you were thrown the perennial identity question 'Who am I? Why am I here?', how would you answer?

Frankly, other than stating your name, would YOU even know where to start, much less respond?

Having no concept of selfhood, do you think your identity is either diachronic, synchronic, or both? Hell, I have no idea.

John Locke, a 17th-century English philosopher (not Terry O'Quinn's character in 'Lost'), stated that personal identity is founded on consciousness, and not the substance of either the soul or the body.

That said, how on earth will I ever come up with a de rigueur answer. Here's an attempt.

I am not always be kind but that does not mean I am wicked.
I may not be sympathetic but that does not mean I am not empathic.
I am not righteous but I'm awfully certain I am honest.
I am sometimes sarcastic but I am definitely not high-and-mighty.
I may not be enlightened but I'm positive I'm sharp-witted.
I strive to give of myself but that does not imply I am noble.
I sometimes strive for gain but that does not imply I am self-serving.
I sometimes feign indifference but I am not stoic.
I sometimes find my tongue staggering without purpose but in no way does that suggest I am undiplomatic.

I may not always be sure of who I am, but I'm extremely certain of who I'm not. After all, I am human. Created by The Supreme Being. Of flesh and blood. Of body and soul. Of mind and spirit. Powered by the divine spark, the elan vital.

To quote myself, 'Your reputation may be established, even fabricated by somebody else. But in the end, your character is something you build up for yourself.'

You can walk through life posing as a lamb whilst bitch-slapping everyone behind their backs. As for me, I'd rather be an in-your-face bitch than a hypocrite in denial.

In the words of Truman Capote, 'But without such misjudgements and such faiths, the seas would sleep, the eternal snows remain untracked.'

So now tell me, who are you? Do you know?

Turning Over A New Leaf

New look. New URL. New server. Yay!!!

To celebrate such a momentous occasion, allow me and Sedira to reintroduce ourselves.Just in case you were wondering whether she's 'alive' ;)
A big thank you to Ate Sienna for 'adopting' us.

P.S. I'm still a bit under the weather so give me time to better my layout, finish up on my link lists, and resume my blog-hopping duties. Thanks y'all!

Dreamweaving

I've been beating my brains out trying to come up with my wildest dream. I was tagged for a meme by Leena (Thank you dear :) . I so love and appreciate memes. Over the past month, I've been fortunate enough to have worked on the simplest to the most backbreaking of tags. Most of which have been very, very personal.

It's been nearly 2 weeks and I haven't anything in mind. Pretty idiotic for a self-proclaimed Pinay Dreamer, don't you think?

Don't get me wrong I have countless and immeasurable dreams. From pipe dreams, to vivid phantasms, to hallucinatory visions.

When I was little girl, I dreamt of being a princess. In reality, I am not of noble origin and I have not an iota of royal blood running through my veins.

I once longed to be immortal. Then again, I realized that life, after a certain point reaches a level of saturation. Where everything is damned repetition. That in mind, why the hell would I wish to live forever?

I desperately wish to find a cure for Cancer and AIDS. Alas, I'm no medical genius. I am but an ignorant fool.

I have visions of bringing up my children to be the best they can be (whatever that means). But I am only a mere instrument. I can only stand back in awe as I watch them grow every single day. In the words of my (then) 4-year old son when asked by an aunt whether he looked like his Mama or Daddy, 'Neither, I look like myself because I am me'.

I have graphic hallucinations of standing on top of the world. But just the thought of it leaves me feeling nauseated. And besides, reaching the zenith can only mean one day plummeting down the nadir.

Last Novemeber 2, a 12-year old girl hanged herself. She claims to have lost hope, from misery and poverty. Just a few days ago, a young boy (about 12 or 13) hanged himself after being scolded by his parents in front of their neighbors. I won't even name them in deference to the parents and siblings.

Truman Capote once said, 'The true reason why many people commit suicide is because they are cowards who prefer to murder themselves than murder their tormentor'.

As much I adore and idolize Mr. Capote, I think this one does not apply to children. No no no.

In place of publishing my widest dream, I bespeak great hope.

In memory of the 2 angels who took their own lives due to different circumstances, I will end this meme.

Simply because in a world such as this, in a place and setting such as now, dreams can sometimes prove futile. Dreams have a tremendous weakness, they can always be shattered. In the absence of that dream, I offer a prayer for their souls. And with that prayer, a plea for a world to share the same idealistic hope.

The Gut-Spilling Torch

I've managed to spill my guts quite a number of times already. And just when I thought I've spilled enough, I was passed this gut-spilling torch by Canuck Chick (Thanks again girl ;). With much pleasure, I obliged. Since my sister has been complaining that my recent posts are thronged with statements (read: super long), I decided to add photos just to make them a teensy bit interesting. Without further ado, here's another gut-spilling post.

8 Things I'm Passionate About:
(in no particular order)
1. Hope, Faith, and Gratitude 2. Simulated flight
3. Randomness4. Unconditional love5. GeneticsYeah, I'm the bald little kid in the middle.

6. My Platoon in which I'm (nature-appointed) Platoon Commander.
Coco, Memai, moi, Tiff, Telly, Richard (taken just yesterday during Telly's birthday bash)
Meet my 3 best gals, Telly A.K.A. ECLAVU (who's finally 2 months preggers YAY!!!), Memai A.K.A. CHAKANESS, moi A.K.A. CHEVERLOO, Tiff A.K.A. CHUVANESS. 7. My 2 little angels8. My soulmate, best friend & lover, all rolled into one big hunk
8 Things (yet again) I'm Passionate About:
(I added this category since the ones I've mentioned earlier were priceless. These are my gulity pleasures. After all, I'm a mere mortal. Flawed, imperfect, wanting........ and materialistic at that, lol.......)
(in no particular order)

1. Wakeboarding 2. Designer bags Balenciaga, YSL, LV's......................all genuine, all mine..................

3. Chocolates
4. Cheesecake
5. Pokemon

6. Writing/ Journalizing/ Blogging (it consumes way too much of my time)

7. Books/ Reading

8. Diamonds & bling bling

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Help mold my children's character according to the Supreme Being's plan(s)

2. Travel on a whim

3. Perform a base jump off KL Tower in Malaysia
4. Go on an African honeymoon safari

5. Join a triathlon

6. Read every single novel, essay, screenplay, and story by Truman Capote
7. Get published

8. Secret! haha......

8 Things I Often Say:

(in this order)

1. Shit!
2. F***!
3. Chaka
4. Chuva
5. Chenes
6. Tarush
7. Bongga
8. Charing

8 Songs I Can Listen To Over & Over Again:

(according to my Ipod's 'top 25 most played')
1. Please Don't Turn Me On - Artful Dodge
2. Impacto - Daddy Yankee ft. Fergie
3. With Or Without You - Keane
4. Hate That I Love You - Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo
5. Breakin' Dishes - Rihanna
6. Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
7. D'Sound - Tattooed On My Mind
8. There She Goes - The Cranberries

8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends:

1. Allegiance

2. Uberrima Fides

3. Brainpower

4. Trustworhtiness

5. Trustworthiness

6. Trustworthiness

7. Trustworthines

8. Trustworthiness

In the tradition of torch passing. I turn this over to 2 of my favorite lady bloggers, the winsome blagista, Melai, and the always in flight, Elay. I know you have a lot of tags to work on so if it's too much, just pick a category. I leave it entirely up to you. Spill your guts!