Shaken and Stirred but not Beaten

Whoever started the phrase 'bored to death' and 'bored senseless' must be dead by now. And seriously, I'm starting to know the feeling.

My head is constantly spinning and I'm almost always nauseated. Somehow I feel my brain is about to atrophy. I'm bloated even though I'm aeons away from PMSing. Even my ovaries have gone on a major strike as I haven't had my period in nearly 5 weeks and I'm not even pregnant.

I lost ALL my files recently when my portable hard drive crashed. Imagine losing important data for work and copies/ scanned documents of me and my family plus about 80 GB worth of photos. Kaput. Just like that.

I feel so alone even when I'm not. I feel as though the bottom of my world is about to fall out. I feel as if all doors have been slammed on my face. I think I'm way past homesickness pero p***ng ina, inip na inip na 'ko!

I'm not even complaining. Because I know that's how life is. It hits you hard and it hits you fast. And I've gained and lost everything in my life twice over in the past and I'm not afraid to go through that again.

Going Lord Byron's way, 'The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.'

And I'd rather be dead than nonexistent.

My Old Man

Happy Father's Day to the 2 greatest and dearest men in my life.......

Then.......Now....... And always.......Happy Father's Day to all Dads out there :)

Doubting Thomas

I've been so friggin' down, depressed, and bored lately that last week I was contemplating on a) talking to a squirrel, b) jumping off a cliff, and c) gouging my eyes out.

I've read a lot of Poe and it left me even more dejected. I've solved more than 80% of all the sodoku puzzles in the DS' Brain Age yet I still feel as though my brain has atrophied. I called my Mom whom I haven't seen in nearly 3 months just to see how she's doing (she's just undergone appendectomy) and she ended up giving me a litany on (unfortunate) current events and versed my long list of lapses some 20 years ago so I hung up and felt even more dysphoric than I already was.

I just about hyperventilated so I started praying and ended up questioning my faith.

Don't get me wrong, I was born and raised Catholic. I attended Catholic school in elementary and an all-girls Catholic school in high school. My parents were never really religious though. There was even a time in my teenage life that I was a proud agnostic.

But it was in that disblief that I started searching. And I realized how beautiful religon is.

Although I am Catholic, I don't shun other religons. I don't subscribe to just one religon either.

I do attend Sunday mass because in doing so, I feel an immense amount of gratitude. I pray as much as I can not so much for salvation but because it brings me much tranquility and serenity. And I DO believe not because I can feel it in me. Knowing that I am not alone, I am one happy camper.

Ultimately, it's not so much about the gestures or mantras or what it signifies but what it does to me and how it makes me feel inside.

So here's to believing, disbelieving, searching, and the odd things in between. Because even in disbelief there is pursuit. And in searching, discovery.