Recoup

I'm just beginning to get back on my feet. Losing 5 lbs. in 3 days was a wake-up call. It may not seem like much but on an already petite frame, believe me, that's excessive.

I'm through with denial and anguish. With prayers and a lot of support, I think I've managed to accept things as they are now. Of course, my boys have always been such an inspiration....... While I'm at it, I may as well thank all those, who have in more ways than one, helped us.

To Joel's high school buddies - Gerry, Allan, Paolo, Ricky, Lindley, Jing, Ducon, Pasky, Hector, Auwie, Malou, Anna, Shirley, Rowelyn, Myra, Aileen - for planning and executing the perfect surprise 'Bon Voyage' party for J, thank you. We appreciate the superb gesture, and how very thoughtful of you all to have given it........

To dear blogger friends - JD, Iron Pugilist, Liudmila, Frogster, Florence, Ate Beng - for the wonderful messages and the well wishes. And to Annita - bless you for your sweet e-card and for your affecting messages. I can sense the warmth and genuineness of your poignant words.......

To Ate Leni, Kuya Sam, Tim, Mommy Nita, Ate Baby, Ate Mel, Joseph R, Celina R, & Mike C - for helping us as we ease through this transition, thank you. No words can express our gratitude for all you've done. Namaste.......

J
I miss you greatly.
I can't wait for that day when I can steal that few moments with you again so we can escape to our own private world - where nothing exists but the two of us.
I love you overly much, you know very well how much I do.
I

Wandering Aimlessly

I missed the u-turn slot in Quezon Avenue.
I missed Gate 2 in Ateneo.
I missed the right turn going to Saint Claire and ended up in Marikina.
I almost forgot to pick up my son in pre-school.
I feel completely lost. Everything looks dreary.

I used to see the world with very dark lenses.

It was through his eyes that I saw vivid light and magnificent hues - that the world ain't so bad after all.

Without his lenses, I somewhat see that darkness again.

Vince: It's just like giving birth - no matter how many people you ask about it, no matter how many books you read on it - you'll never really know how it is unless you go through it yourself.
Ivy: I never thought it would be this hard.
Vince: Give yourself time to grieve but then again you need to be stronger for the kids and for him as well.
Ivy: It's hard trying to keep a straight face in front of them.
Vince: Think of it this way, at least you've taken the first step.
Ivy: I know, but it sure is the hardest.

I retract that statement - it's the long, bitterly cold nights I dread the most.

J
I miss you terribly, and if by chance you see a shooting star tonight - that would be me - blowing a massive kiss for you.......
I

Losing Grip

I thought 8 long months was enough to prepare me for this day - apparently not.

For almost a decade, we've never been apart longer than 48 hours. You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to know how long and grueling the next 2 and a half months would be to me.

I though the tear duct was somewhat like a well, that it would eventually dry up - apparently not.

After a week of crying, I find that my tear ducts and gland refuse to dry up. After a week of lacrimation, the tears can't seem to get drained off.

Being without him is like having a big lump on my soul. Everything looks dull. Every part of the house looks empty. Every part of my body feels numb. The air seems icy. And everything - yes, everything - tastes like paper.

It is said that no single pain killer works for everyone - well, except time. So until then, I'll be swimming in wretchedness for some time - say, the next 2 and a half months.

J
I miss all of you.
I miss your big brown eyes.
I miss your leg to ride against.
I am burning with longing to see you. Oh that I could.
Know that I think of you constantly, I miss you terribly, and I love you exceedingly.
I

Proverbial

(My PMS has broken into its more severe form, PMDD. Don't be surprised to find this long rant either deleted or drastically edited in the next few days - THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT)

Ask either of my parents how I was as a kid and they'd probably tell you I was(!) the female counterpart of Dennis the Menace (see, even my old photo shows that menacing grin lol). I got into a lot of catfights and fistfights, and yes I was very, very naughty. Let's see, I knocked off my sister Coco's tooth on two separate occasions (and was punished severely for both incidents), I smacked a classmate's head with a soda bottle when I was in 4th grade for he was constantly teasing and making fun of me (he was fine and I was penalized which I so rightfully deserved), I managed to wreck one of my parents' trucks by sneaking it without their consent and then driving it straight into a cliff (accidentally or course, I was 14 then and was unaware that driving a right-handed vehicle required a different set of driving skills) making the truck roll over 6 times, and oh and did I mention that I was with my brother who was then only 8? Thank God no one was hurt.

Being the troublemaker that I once was, I got punished and chastised quite often. I'm sure you get the picture.

My parents had very different views on discipline though. My Mom belonged to the 'lumuhod ka sa bigas' school of discipline where one is supposed to kneel on rice grains for hours on end with arms extended to one's sides with either 2 massive telephone directories or an encyclopedia on each hand. My Dad, on the other hand, belonged to the 'evangelize, moralize, sermonize' school of discipline. Up to this day, he'd probably bombard me with sermons if he recalls the number of times he was summoned to the Principal's office.

Among the most vivid sermons I remember (although back then I pretended not to listen) are the ones on accountability. Take for example the difference between asking for consent and stating plans.

Say there's a huge party I want to attend, I could either say - 'There's a party at whoever's house, can I go? Pretty please.' VS. 'I'm attending a party at whoever's house tonight so don't wait up.' Or - 'May I use the car tonight?' VS. 'I'm gonna use the car tonight.'.

The former is a question and the latter is a statement. The former shows respect for authority and the latter shows utter disregard for it.

But what if the damage has been done - say for example a huge dimple slightly bigger than a halved orange right above the car's front tire or perhaps a ginormous scratch on the side of the car extending from the second door all the way to the rear bumper - do I fess up immediately or do I wait for anybody to notice?

For obvious reasons, I'd go with the former. For one, I don't think anybody would be that stupid not to notice. Second, I'd rather he hear it straight from the horse's mouth than from another source. And lastly, well, I've found that the imposed castigation is worse with the latter.

I'm not proud of my mistakes but I do own up to them and I do make an effort to pay for them. At least that's what I was taught, but then again I can only speak for myself. So what the hell are you gonna do about THAT? Huh.........

Para Mi Bebe

Sedira turned 4 and a half just a few weeks ago. Since it is customary to treat people (she is my daughter so I might as well included her) on their birhtday, we wanted to subject her to a rite of transition. Since I have yet to find her a suitable mate and because I think she is still a wee bit young to be subjected to a rite of passage, i.e. mating (yeah right, most snakes reach sexual maturity by the time they're a year old), we opted to treat her instead. Joel got a huge glass aquarium which we renovated into a decent terrarium. Very purdy compared to her old plastic pen, don't you think?
Ain't she a sight to behold? Say yes or you're dead meat.......... Happy birthday Sedira!

Emotional Vampires

Just when you thought vampires only existed in fictitious narratives and horror flicks, think again.

I find that there are three kinds of complainers, whiners, grumblers and/or faultfinders in this world, or in mine at least.

There are those who complain because they're looking for a solution to their hornets' nest in the process. That to me, is perfectly fine.

There are those who grump about their dissatisfactions and resentments because they want to let it all out, more like a form of release. Which again is perfectly okay just as long as the griper doesn't do it often. While I'm at it, I may as well admit that I belong to this category.

There are those who consatantly whine simply to elicit sympathy or more likely, attention. In Filipino, I think the term for this is reklamador or most probably KSP. Among the three, I find the latter the most annoying kind. For one, they whine, complain, and grouch over the same old things but you'll be amazed that they do nothing to solve anything. They whine about the same things over and over and over again. Even when given expedient advice, solicited or otherwise, you'll find they have absolutely no intention of solving anything.

In your quest to become a good listener, you'll find yourself
(a) drained of every positive human emotion such as joy, happiness, and love;
(b) worn-out of virtues such as faith and hope; and
(c) with thoughts filled with doubt and negativity, sometimes leaving you in a state of coma.

Much like Dracula, they can pretty much suck the life out of you.

I used to be a magnet for the third kind but growing older (not necessarily wiser) I've managed to identify them. In the process, I've managed to sever ties, even those formed by blood.

Doing so is not without recoil though. Erstwhile friends think I'm a major bitch. But then again, I truly am and I make no apologies for that.

Estranged relatives think I'm an ingrate. Come to think of it, I owe them nothing and I really care not what they think of me.

My dear friend Vince used to tell me (but not anymore), 'Ivy, your biggest problems aren't even yours to begin with'. Truer words have never been spoken.

Now I'm left with my sanity and a handful of silver bullets for validation.

Blog Archiving

In response to a tripartite meme from Jay of 'Dat'Money

The first of the triad is the birthday month meme which I did some 6 weeks ago.

The second is the '7 things' meme which I did a week prior to that.

I'm (thus) left with the third option in which I'm supposed to go through my archives and choose five favorite posts about my family, friends, myself, something I love and lastly, one of my choice.

So I browse through a hundred posts and after 2 full hours, I still can't come up with my selection. My blog has always been a personal assay and picking just 5 is an impossible task. Here then (in no particular order) are my top picks.

Disambiguated Seity because even at age 30, I still can't quite figure IT out.
Temporary Madness as I'm perpetually IN love.
An Ode To Snow White. Physical Beauty is so f***in' overrated!
Battle Scars. Believe it or not, I'm proud of ALL my scars, superficial or otherwise.
Dreamweaving because I (still) believe hope springs eternal.
Highly Evolved Defense Mechanisms. To some degree, aren't we all equipped???
Diabolical Idiosyncrasies because I believe in God-given free will.
Hyperspeed because I seriously think one could lose oneself in a notional world.
The Fine Art Of Conversation because I keep finding myself soliloquizing.
Mastering The Art Of Falling as it was written for a friend in denial about a very serious problem.
The Ultimate Secret To Happiness. Sorry to burst your bubble, there is none.
Hey Handsome. A birthday pressie for my main man.
A Skeleton Out Of My Closet. Probably the most personal piece I've written, not to mention the only one with 'tears' to match.
Shiver Me Timbers: Drastic Measures (Part 2) (in which I did the unthinkable!!!) as it was written to exorcise the ghost of an ex flame.
Turning Over A New Leaf as I'm so grateful to have had my blog 'adopted'. *Yay*
Denounging Suffrage which explains why I have denounced my right to vote and why I hate politicians.
Of Sex Scandals & Pinays. Seriously, in this day and age, do you still think that the world is flat, or were you born yesterday?!!!
Holiday Anathema because I hate spoiled brats!
Conservation 101 For Dumdums. Sedira is beautiful. Call her otherwise and I'd kick you right smack in the balls!!!!
My wakeboarding posts because I'd wakeboard everyday if I could!!!

And my Pinoy posts...............

Super Tsuper: An Overview of Filipino Public Ultility Drivers because you just have to live with them! *Grrrrrrr*
The Sub Genuses Of Filipino Traffic Violators Este Drivers. Pardon the a**holes.
Pinoy Daredevils. Yet another pet peeve.
My Shungak Awards. They deserve the honor...........
Only In The Philippines, Filipino 'SIGNS' Of Wit. Filipnos are quite inventive.
Only In The Philippines, Mga Pamahiing Filipino. Filipinos are just plain superstitious.
Pinoy Folk Illnesses. Not only are we superstitious..........
The Philippines Through The Eyes Of A Filipina. I'm (still) downright proud to be Filipino!
Filipinos: The Good, The Bad, & The Chaka. Duh???

In turn, I tag
J.D. of The Uneasy Supplicant, like I said, I love your take on memes.
Joel of My Journal
Josey of Stayin' Silly, Livin' Lucky to help keep her mind off her 'mind vs. taste buds' battle ;) Annita of Footprints
Iron Pugilist of The Road To Madness
Pusa of Pusang Maganda
CC of Bamboo Blitz
Nessa of Mumblings

Since this is part of a triad, feel free to do one or all three ;)

Thanks again Jay! Whew, that was definitely waaaaayyyy more than the 5 you require ;)

Hitting 100

After blogging for a little over 4 months, my blog has eventually broken a hundred posts. *Yay* To celebrate, here's a list of the recent honors I've received from some very generous bloggers.

Given by Jay of 'Dat' Curious in commemoration of his 100th post.

From Annita of Footprints
Another friendship badge, this time it's from Annita
I received this sometime ago from Tatiana, which I got again from Annita
Again from the equally (if not more) fabulous Annita
Last but not least, one of my most treasured awards from a treasured friend. From J.D. Beaudoin of The Uneasy Supplicant

Thanks again to Jay, Annita, and J.D.

Since it's my blog's (post) anniversary celebration, I hope you don't mind if I keep these to myself *heh* just this once.

Here's to my next hundred :)

Obiter Dicta

obi·ter dic·tum \"ō-bə-tər-'dik-təm, "ä-\ n, pl obiter dic·ta \-tə\ [LL, lit., something said in passing] (1812) 1 : an incidental and collateral opinion that is uttered by a judge but is not binding 2 : an incidental remark or observation

I haven't answered any of the comments I've received recently. I do not ignore comments I receive nor am I an ingrate.

I love receiving comments, pleasant or otherwise. For one, it's my arbitrary gauge on whether the reader/commenter
a. breezed through my page
b. skimmed through the post
c. read the article
d. grasped my rhetoric
e. none of the above
f. all of the above

As a reader, I do comment on posts of fellow bloggers whose topics I can relate to.

As a blogger, I know it takes a considerable amount of time, effort, and sometimes even patience (especially with long anti-spam text) to give an exegesis on another blogger's piece. That explains why I used to answer all comments I receive, why I removed my anti-spam, and why I so love getting them.

Being human, I cannot help be offended when I get bashed through those remarks.

Being myself, I cannot keep my temper nor hold my tongue when I feel assaulted with words.

Being a freedom-loving person and a firm believer of free speech however,
a. I'm still allowing anonymous comments
b. I'm still not enabling comment moderation
c. I'm still not activating word verification/ anti-spam text
d. I'm not answering comments (unless needed) although I'd gladly reciprocate by commenting on your site (if I can relate) and
e. I'd still unleash my pent-up rage on crude, impolite, and 'tacky' comments.

Do I make myself clear Mrs. Anonymous Commenter? I know who you are by the way...............

The Year That Was

I'm not usually one to welcome the New Year with a bang. I admit it's not my favorite holiday but since 2007 has been quite a noteworthy year, I might as well catalog the circumstances (in my boring life) of the year that was.

- I turned 30 (Good Lord, now my siblings call me 'old')
- I suffered an early mid-life crisis (depression, waterworks, drama, the works)
- I started blogging
- I read more of Capote, Kundera, Kazantzakis, biographies, and autobiographies: and less of Coelho, Gibran, Morrison, and fashion magazines
- I had 12.5 inches of hair cut off
- I exercised less
- And for the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed having friends

I don't believe in resolutions either. Seriously, resolving to do something doesn't necessarily guarantee you'd actually DO it.

In place of resolutions here's a wishlist of well, wishes and hopes for the year ahead:

- Patience, patience, patience (Dear Lord, I need a lot :)
- Fuseless temper (if only for Joel & my kids)
- Wisdom, courage, temperance, fortitude (you know the rest)
- A large throat to swallow a terrible amount of pride
- An insane amount of luck (When, oh when am I going to win the lottery???)
- Distinction, merit, the works (I don't know what for and with what though)
- A Chanel 2.55 or another Balenciaga City
- A full-time job

Happy New Year to all!!!!