Doubting Thomas

I've been so friggin' down, depressed, and bored lately that last week I was contemplating on a) talking to a squirrel, b) jumping off a cliff, and c) gouging my eyes out.

I've read a lot of Poe and it left me even more dejected. I've solved more than 80% of all the sodoku puzzles in the DS' Brain Age yet I still feel as though my brain has atrophied. I called my Mom whom I haven't seen in nearly 3 months just to see how she's doing (she's just undergone appendectomy) and she ended up giving me a litany on (unfortunate) current events and versed my long list of lapses some 20 years ago so I hung up and felt even more dysphoric than I already was.

I just about hyperventilated so I started praying and ended up questioning my faith.

Don't get me wrong, I was born and raised Catholic. I attended Catholic school in elementary and an all-girls Catholic school in high school. My parents were never really religious though. There was even a time in my teenage life that I was a proud agnostic.

But it was in that disblief that I started searching. And I realized how beautiful religon is.

Although I am Catholic, I don't shun other religons. I don't subscribe to just one religon either.

I do attend Sunday mass because in doing so, I feel an immense amount of gratitude. I pray as much as I can not so much for salvation but because it brings me much tranquility and serenity. And I DO believe not because I can feel it in me. Knowing that I am not alone, I am one happy camper.

Ultimately, it's not so much about the gestures or mantras or what it signifies but what it does to me and how it makes me feel inside.

So here's to believing, disbelieving, searching, and the odd things in between. Because even in disbelief there is pursuit. And in searching, discovery.