Statutes for the Fashion(ably) Challenged

1. Sabi ni Kahli Gibran, 'Forget not that modesty is for a shield against the eye of the unclean'.
For a decent look, I find it's okay to pair spaghetti straps with jeans or capris. And for your minis or short shorts to look acceptable, with a nice shirt or a suitable polo.
Unless you're headed to the beach, don't pair micro minis or short shorts with spaghetti straps or vice versa, unless you want to attract mega attention, lalo na mula sa mga tambay sa kanto.
IMO, spaghetti straps + micro mini = uhaw sa atensyon (thirsty for attention)

Go minimal with your accessories. BUT, if those loud accessories are what you really fancy and you still insist on wearing those minis with your spag straps, here's the equation;
spag straps + micro mini + ginormous hoop earrings + heavy make-up = pokpok

2. If you're on the short side (ouch), you can get away with wearing shorts (properly matched of course) and not look like a prostitute to lengthen the look of your legs. Don't do the opposite by wearing something that falls right below your knee unless gusto mong magmukhang kabarkada ni Frodo, Sam, Merry at Pippin.

3. If you're on the heavy side (read: fat, flabby, mataba, mashuba, obesita, mabilbil, etc.), refrain from wearing uber tight fitting clothes unless you want to look like an embutido (large sausage).

Again, if you're on the heavy side, don't match those clothes with a wide belt.
tight clothing + wide belt = ebutidong may tali sa gitna

4. Do not patronize fake bags unless you want to help raise terrorists' funds. If you cannot afford designer, go to Mango, Zara, Debenhams or Nine West. There are so many great bags out there that aren't copies or fakes.

If you insist on doing so, at least keep it in your house, in your car, in your purse, I really don't f---'in care where, kahit saan basta itago mo. Do not make the mistake of walking past me in a mall, bump into me, stare me down and not say sorry. Talagang makakarinig ka sa akin gaga. If I have one more talent it's spotting a fake bag from a mile away. Yes honey, I can tell from the alignment, the vachetta, the hardware, the zippers, the lining, and yes, even the smell. I can even read datecodes. I do fakespotting (that's what I call it) in restaurants, malls, etc. with Joel. Ngayon, mas mabilis pa siya sa akin mag spot. I can tell that your damier speedy is a FAKE. Burn that in bag hell bwiset.

5. If, like me, you have toes that resemble ginger roots avoid those open-toed sandals or those cute gladiators unless you toes are neatly pedicured. Baka biglang mapagkamalang may naliligaw na pangsahog sa tinola sa mga paa mo.

6. People wear trench coats, anoraks, fur coats, ear muffs and gloves during the winter season. Tropical countries like the Philippines do not, I repeat, DO NOT have to endure the chills of winter since we only have 2 seasons, wet and dry.

Hallur, wala namang winter sa Pilipinas, bakit may nakikita akong nakaganyan dito.